Marriage is a riddle: Love and Respect vs. The Chicken and The Egg

What came first?  The chicken or the egg?

Some age-old riddles can only be solved from a biblical perspective.

'Then God said, 'Let the waters teem with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth in the open expanse of the heavens.' And God created the great sea monsters, and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarmed after their kind, and every winged bird after its kind; and God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, 'Be fruitful and multiply on the earth.'"  (Genesis 1:20-22)

When God created the heavens and the earth, and brought forth life, He did so purposefully, without accident.  Primordial mud and sludge cannot still the thunderous glory of an intentional creator God. No, God was not confused as he brought life from the void, He set up His plan masterfully. And He saw that what he created was very good.

Then He went on to bless what He had made by giving animals this command, "And God blessed them, saying, 'Be fruitful and multiply on the earth.'" (vs.22)

First came the chicken, then the egg.

What in the world does this have to do with marriage and the riddle of loving one another well?  Only this:  God has a purpose and an order to all that He created.  And He proclaims it good, when we follow the plan He laid down long ago.

But it doesn't always feel good, does it?  The loneliness and awkwardness we never expected to find, here on the other side of our vows.

So we turn to the pattern laid forth in God's Word.

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." (Ephesian 5: 22-25)

Here's my gripe: Why does this charge to honor and subject ourselves to our husbands come before their command to love us?  Doesn't it feel backwards?  It does to me.  When I think of love making in our bed at night, I know how natural it is for me to love him physically when I've experienced his love in word and deed throughout the day.  A gentle touch, an ordinary compliment, a flirty text... When he does these things that show ordinary love, I respond in extraordinarily ordinary ways that meet his core needs. Back and forth the giving and receiving moves like the faithful tide.

There is a popular book entitled "Love and Respect" that speaks to the way a man's need for respect and a woman's need for love work together with God crafted synchronicity.  When we respect him, he responds with love, and when we feel loved, we respond with respect, and when he experiences our respect, he responds lovingly, and when we experience his love, we in turn are respectful of him... and the cycle rolls on in its God intended design.

Only... we are sinful.  We go astray.  Selfish rather than loving, dishonoring rather than honoring; and they are often undeserving of our respect.  And so, sometimes in an instant, this healthy cycle of love and respect, or the chicken and its egg, goes terribly awry.  And the cycle turns on itself like a festering wound. Before we know it we are withholding respect, which makes him turn cold and pull back, hurting us more deeply than before so we are curt in turn, and he holes up in his man cave, and we go to bed angry, only to wake up hurt and quiet, so he leaves early for work, early before the children wake up.  And we wonder... What now?

What comes first?  The chicken or the egg?  Do we go on waiting for his apology to kickstart the cycle?  Or do we turn to God's wisdom and design for the answer to marriage's confusing riddle?

What comes first?

I believe God knew exactly what He was doing when He put these verses together in the order He did.  So often we jump over our part and point out our husband's role, with hurtful accusations.  But today, regardless of where we are in the cycle, can we commit to going first?  Would you, with me, choose to subject yourself to showing respect and honor to the one you vowed to love?  Today, this morning, wake up and bring him coffee, tell him how much you appreciate the way he works to support your family and the way he comes home each night and invests in the children's lives.  Text him today and ask him if there's anything he'd like for you to pick up at the store when you're out.  Make him his favorite dinner or dessert, and say a positive word when he comes in the door.

This isn't easy.  Ask Him for His power to do this thing we call marriage.  Call a girlfriend and ask her for her faithful prayers as you commit to going first in your marriage today, then cover her God-designed love relationship with your own prayers.

This is not a riddle, but it is difficult.  Still, I charge you with great love and exhortation, to begin today fresh and persevere in love and respect... and I commit to the same.

Newlyweds with a side of Chicken Salad

There's a bit of a story here before you get to my favorite Chicken Salad Recipe.

Read on...

We stopped attending our Sunday school class at church about a year ago, we just didn't feel that it was where we were supposed to be.  We kept the boys in their two hours of Sunday School fun, but stopped going to our second hour.   Instead we purposed to sit together in the cafe, and earmark that time to really connect with one another - about the deep-down soul stuff we'd been carrying over the course of the week, or piling up over the years of our marriage.

It was an incredible blessing on so many levels.  Primarily, it took the edge off of anything that burdened me throughout the week.  I'd relax at the thought, "Sunday's coming!  Matt wants to know my heart.  I can share what concerns me today... on Sunday."  Within this safe place, we started sharing with more courage and listening with more grace about all the issues in our marriage, our parenting, our individual dreams and struggles.  It was a safe time, a loving time, a healing time.

Then the day arrived when we stopped coming to the table with an intense need to be heard.  It's like all the build-up from the first 12 years of marriage had been worked through and we were communicating well and loving one another intentionally again - Not just on Sundays but throughout the week as well. It just took six months worth of Sunday mornings to get us there.

Now there we sat, across the green patio table, him with a breakfast sandwich and me with my cup of tea, just smiling because we had nothing left to work through.  And he said, "So what do you want to do now?"  I shrugged, and noticed how light my shoulders felt.  It was then I remembered an announcement in the church bulletin that morning about a newly marrieds group just forming.  Sure we weren't newlyweds, but we felt brand new on the inside.  So I opened up the Sunday program and showed it to my guy.  He shrugged his own unburdened shoulders and said, "let's go."

And so, after 13 years of marriage, my husband and I walked into a class for newlyweds.

We walked into the small classroom 10 minutes late, and half a dozen young couples looked up.  I noticed immediately how close they sat to one another.  We waved awkwardly and sat down.  They were halfway through an ice-breaker, where everyone shared the song they'd chosen for their first dance together at the wedding.  So much laughter.  Then it got to us and Matt  stuttered, 'uh... it was by George Straight I think, yeah?"  "Yeah," I affirmed, "and we danced the cowboy cha-cha."  Crickets.

Then the young girl who was leading the class with her husband stood up and explained how the class would stay connected via an iphone app, and I turned to Matt and whispered, "this isn't our generation... and I think that girl baby-sat for the boys when she was in high school, like three years ago!"

After class we chatted with the couple upfront, turns out Nicole had babysat our boys, and they told us how they'd been hoping and praying for a mentor couple to join them.  And there we'd been, sitting together on the patio wondering, "What should we do now?"

The answer came easy, "Absolutely."

Now, a few short months later, and there's no way to describe in one brief paragraph how dear these young couples have become to us?   Matt has sincere love for the young men, and I absolutely adore the gals.  And each time I look at them, pouring over the pages of good marriage books, learning to care and pray for one another, I think how lucky they are to be building these skills so early in their marriages.  And we're learning right beside them, and shedding light on what these principles can look like over a decade in.

To celebrate the start of fall we had all the couples over to our home for lunch.  It was 105 degrees with Santa Anna winds blowing hard, and eucalyptus leaves chattering in the breeze.  That's what fall looks like in Southern California, friends.  The ladies circles around the patio table poolside with the men on the inside of our home.   I watched them through the window, loading up their plates and sitting on the orange couch with a rug at their feet that reads "family."  And we broke bread and laughed hard.

I served my favorite chicken salad recipe and they all clamored for the recipe, which didn't surprise me because it's a gem.  I say it without pride; I didn't invent this medley of fabulous flavors after all.  But I love it heart and soul, and keep Trader Joe's apricot chutney in my pantry at all times just to be prepared.

Today I offer it up to you, wishing I knew the special occasions and people you will share this with in the years to come.  But I also share it with the encouragement, to those of you who are married, to find the time you need in your busy lives to carve out a safe place, a sharing place to deal with the real life challenges you are facing.  Bless you and your husbands today.  Now go make those men some chicken salad!

The Best Curry Chicken Salad (Like Ever!)

Combine Dry Ingredients

5 Chicken Breasts - cooked and chopped

(I prefer two rotisserie chickens for ease)

1 bunch green onions, sliced

2-3 granny smith apples, peeled and chopped

3 celery sticks, chopped

1 cup raisins

2 cups cashews

In a separate bowl whisk together

1 jar mango chutney (I use Trader Joe's brand)

2 tsp. curry

3/4 cup mayo

2 tsp. lemon juice

garlic salt / pepper to taste

Prepare and Serve

Allow the dressing to sit on the countertop or in the fridge for a good 30 minutes before you toss the chicken salad and serve.  This allows the intense flavors to meld.  Also, if serving this as a main dish, you can stir in 3 cups of cooked rice.  I, however, usually serve this beside a few other salads; shown in the picture with this quinoa salad topped with avocado, and a wedge of brie to complete the plate.  

You will own your dinner guests

after serving this dish!

 Guaranteed. 

all poured out at home

 I fancy that every soul of us could write a book which the world would read, if only we dared to tell the exact truth about ourselves and our happenings, and so give a perfect reflection of one human life.  But who of us dares to do that?  (Candace, Thereber Wheeler, 1918)

There we were in the pastor’s office, young, naïve, and love struck; counseling our way through our engagement as we planned the wedding. Thankfully, the pastor didn’t just want a well-planned party, he saw ahead into our marriage and knew we needed more than youthful love to carry us through.  So he turned to me and asked, “What are you most afraid of?” I sputtered, stuttered, and stopped.

He let me think in the awkward quiet, and it grew hot as my future husband waited for an answer. Finally I said, “I’m afraid of losing myself.” It came from somewhere deeper than my conscious mind. Like prophetic deep. And our counselor nodded and smiled, then waited for me to continue. “Not right away, maybe, but over the years. Because I love this man, and want to pour myself out for him and into him; and one day I want to stay at home with our children, and pour myself out for them… and what if I get all poured out and lose the stuff that makes me special? I don’t even know what it might look like. But what if I do?”

He nodded again then shifted his gaze to my beloved, my fiancé, to the one who had not yet done wrong in my eyes. The older then said to the younger, “Do you hear this?  She’s gong to lay her life down to lift yours up. But this is only going to work if you do the same for her.” It was intense, with my man nodding emphatically like he understood, but neither of us really did. Cause we hadn’t lived it yet.

Now here we are 13 years in. And while he’s tried to lift me up and serve me back, it’s not a simple equation where y = x, because his y chromosome doesn’t always equal my x. And so much of our pouring out and laying it all down at home is what women do, in most traditional households. So here I am, giving me away for all these people, and he’s off working, laying his life down for us in a whole other sense. And all that good counseling has to find it way to application. So we try to figure it out late at night, once the children are in bed, and we meet up together in the dark.

But when he falls asleep, I'm still awake.  And I see that my pre-married fears were rooted in something real and common amongst wives and mothers. Which may be why you see yourself here. Having known the dark ages where passion for life, ministry, and art are lost for a time, as we lay it all down to lift up the little lives entrusted to our care.

So let's mourn together for just a moment; just long enough to inhale and exhale. Allowing our collective hearts to acknowledge these feelings of loss at present. Breathing in we remember the verse that’s like an anthem song, reminding us that there are seasons for everything. Seasons for war and for peace, seasons to plant and to reap, to rend and to mend, to know death, but also to know resurrected life this side of glory. Because our counselor, though well intended, didn’t get it right after all. The only One who can lift me up... is Jesus. His Spirit and His life and His power each day.  His mercies every morning.  His power perfected in weakness.  As I pour out, He pours in.  As I lay down, He lifts me up.  As I give all, so much like Him.

So much like Him.

But even if I am being poured out as a drink offering

upon the sacrifice and service of your faith,

I rejoice and share my joy with you all.

(Philippians 2:17)

Dear mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, friends... I'm praying for you today.  For the story you are so honestly and generously living.  Pouring out at home.  To him.  To them.

"Every soul could write a book..."

Gluten Free Chocolate Zucchini Muffins

In the weariness of cooking, cleaning, and making things just so for beloved family and friends, sometimes the devil finds a foothold and turns...

You are Welcome here

...into heavy sighs that say, "This is costing me too much."

I began the summer with three back-to-back weeks of non-stop, desperately wanted, lovingly invited house guests.  But between you and me... I was worn out by the end of week two!  Not because they'd been anything but wonderful, just because that's a whole lot of going and serving and picking up and cooking and washing towels and getting ready for the next big meal.  Even now as I look back, I can see myself bellied up to the sink, sleeves rolled high, head bowed in prayer...

Search me, God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)

Because, "You are Welcome here" requires more than a clean sink, it takes a clean heart.

Now that our guests are gone, all that's left is our party of five.  But the "You are Welcome here" mentality must remain.  Because the way we love our little ones each ordinary day, is supremely more important than the extrordinary ways we serve our special guests.  Yes, I know, it's our little family that usually wearies us most, but the joy of serving them is much more important than our fresh enthusiasm over extended family and out of town guests.  Theirs are the little hearts being hardwired as we Welcome them to each new day, as we Welcome them into our laps, as we Welcome them to the table. Let us dare not save our smiles in the linen cabinet with those white laundered napkins; serving flimsy paper towels with grumbles to our most treasured house guests.  All this Continual Feasting!  It feels terribly inconvenient amidst our summer plans.  But these are the darlings our Welcome means the most to!  And they turn little faces upward and say,  "Thank you, Mama."

You are Welcome

They say thank you and we respond, "You are Welcome."  And they are!  But we need to make room as we make muffins.  Making room for them, by cleaning out the grumbles hidden in our hearts.  We must make room as we make their scrambled eggs and fry up bacon.  Making room to run back into the fray of serving; back to the sink, back to the prayer, and back to those hungry kid bellies, with clean hearts. Because we love them!

I leave you with this most amazing, and incredibly simple recipe for Gluten Free Chocolate Zucchini Muffins! These are a favorite here in our home, amongst guests and residents alike!

Gluten Free Chocolate Zucchini Muffins

(makes 24)

Ingredients

4 cups Pamela's (Gluten Free - Wheat Free) Baking & Pancakes Mix 2 tsp salt 1 cup brown sugar 1 cup white sugar 1 TBS cinnamon 4 TBS cocoa powder 1/2 cup melted oil (I use coconut oil) 4 large eggs 4 cups finely grated zucchini (3-4 zucchini) 2 tsp vanilla 1 bag chocolate chips

Prepare

Preheat oven to 350.  Prepare two greased muffin pans.  Combine wet ingredients in one bowl, and wet ingredients in another.  Mix them together until there are not lumps.  Pour muffin mix into prepared pans and bake for about 20 minutes.

Serve

Serve them hot from the oven for breakfast, or as an afternoon snack with a schmear of goat cheese and a pot of tea. Or cover with chocolate ganache for a tasty chocolate cupcake dessert. (I haven't done the latter suggestion because I love chocolate ganache frosting more than life itself!  I would not be able to stand the temptation of a big bowl of frosting, and so I mustn't actually try this at home!  But you let me know how it goes!  

responding to our husbands

Responding to my newborn's cry at 2am was primal instinct. Crazy tired but never thinking, just answering the need. Waking up halfway down the hallway, already moving to his room. One sock on and the other stuck in my sheets, cause there was no other place for me but hunched over his crib with a "shhh shhh shhh". Back it up a few years, to the early days of marriage, when the instinct to respond to My Love's needs was immediate and inspired, passionate and pure.  Responding to one another's touch happened without effort.  Responding to one another's invitation, without thought, lead only by impulse.  Responding was natural.  And when we ran out of natural know how, we explored and found new ways to make one another respond further.

In the morning, after he left for work, I walked into the kitchen.  There on the fridge was a post-it note:

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

(Proverbs 18:22)

I smiled and texted:

You're a lucky dude to have found me!

But it wasn't luck, it was a gift; him to me and me to him.  And we responded to the gift, naturally.  Responding not just in bed, but in life.  A glass of iced tea brought to his office.  And laughter.  Him, running back into the house to grab my purse from the counter.  Me, arranging that front closet that overflows each time he reaches for a coat.  More than flowers, though flowers are wonderful, he served me.  And I returned the favor.  Responding and responding again and again, like water spilling over the falls, no choice just the flow, in the early days of marriage.

Then suddenly the gift ceased to feel like a gift, and responding to one another felt more like work.  Hard work.

Last week I wrote a post entitled, "My Husband Never..."  where I acknowledged this phenomenon; when the gift is exchanged for a burden to endure, and our in-love responses give way to dead air between lips, between sheets, between hands.

I'm no professional, nor a licensed marriage therapist, but I'm hanging on to my marriage for dear life after saying I do.  After saying, in our pastor's office that first pre-married counseling session, "I won't divorce him, but I won't be a martyr either."  I'd been raised by the first, witnessed plenty of the other, and knew down deep God's plan was for something more.  Thirteen years into marriage and I'm starting to get it.

Marriage is an act of will.

Some couples believe that the end of the in-love experience means they have only two options:  resign themselves to a life of misery with their spouse, or jump ship and try again.  Our generation has opted for the latter, whereas an earlier generation often chose the former...  Research seems to indicate that there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was -- a temporary emotional high -- and now pursue "real love" with our spouse...  It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.  Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct...

That kind of love requires effort and discipline.

(Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages)

The in-love high that reaches out multiple times each day and night wasn't ever meant to endure, as magnificent as it is.  At it's end is where real love begins.  But if we do not survive the exchange, then there is nothing.  Dead air.

That obsession was not meant to last forever.  In the textbook of marriage, it is but the introduction.  The heart of the book is rational, volitional love.  That is the kind of love to which the sages have always called us.  It is intentional."

(Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages)

I am Recommitting to real love today.  And the way I am doing that is by Recommitting to Responsiveness.  Taking my eyes off of love, (if I feel it, if he does it) and putting my focus on intentional acts of responding to him.

Intentionally responding to our husbands is at the core of married love.  It is not a trick to conjure short term passion, but the fantastic key to unlocking lasting love once the intense season of impulse is gone.

How much more powerful,

How much more committed,

How much more likely to carry us "to death do us part."

Application -

I began by choosing two acts of love each week to show my devotion to him and to our marriage.  After a couple of weeks I realized how easy it is to say Yes to him after all.  And so now I am looking for two responsive yes' each day!  I am choosing to Say Yes to My Husband!  I am choosing to respond to the needs I've perceived were his, but have been too inconvenient for me to answer.  Those are the ones I'm saying yes to.  Yes, because I am his gift and he is mine, and neither divorce or martyrdom are the answer.

Yes, to the friendship I know he misses, curled up for a movie late at night, after the children are asleep.  Yes, to an orderly home, with laundry not just cleaned, but folded and put away.  Yes to fun meals, with cloth napkins, twice a week.  Yes, to weeding by his side, then surprising him in the shower because the boys are in their tree fort and we have a lock on our door.  Yes to laughter, yes to a ride in the side car, bolted to his motorcycle.  An act of will, each and every Yes.  Till death do us part.

And the sweetest miracle of all, in real marriage after the honeymoon, is that emotions slowly resurrect again.  One blessed Yes at a time.

How will you say Yes this week?