Angry Mom: From Tears to Transformation

We've talked a lot about anger this week.  Anger toward our children.  Anger in our hearts.  Prayer requests from women overwhelm me on weeks like this.  And the ones that break me to the core are the notes from moms who can't get a handle on their emotions and their tongues.  Women like you and me who love deeply, but get all out of sorts amidst the unending stream of training.  This post is for them.

Dear Angry Mom,

I just read your letter.  Had it been hand-written the ink would have been smudged by your tears.  I imagine you there, moaning over the keypad, feeling ashamed... but mostly you feel angry.  You're angry with your children and angry with yourself, and angry with your children for making you so blasted angry at yourself, which makes you only angrier... and sadder, always sadder.

I link over sometimes to your Facebook page, and see the smiling faces of your children, and I lay hands on my computer monitor.  Praying.  Praying for your heart, praying for their hearts, praying for the hearts here in my home too.  Because I get the pit you're stuck in, but more than that, I get the blessed hand that is powerful enough to pull us out.

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD.…  (Psalm 40:1-3)

But you're not there yet.  You're just hurting.

"Anger, discontentment, lack of patience, a hardened heart..." Your words and wounds astound me as you ask for prayer.  You're so aware of your sin-stained angry tendencies. You recognize your problem, you recognize your need of saving, you cry out and ask for prayer...  That's powerful, POWERFUL stuff! Acknowledging the problem stirs in us a desperate need for a miracle-working GOD to do the heavy lifting in our transformation.  But it's just the first step.

The First Step -

Crying out to God is just the first step up and out of the pit.

But there is more to be done!  More steps to take in this treacherous "CHANGE ME JESUS" journey.

For years I made that first step regularly... daily... nightly... over and over, crying "Lord, change me, help me, make me more like you." But the recognition never made its way from tears to transformation until I started taking more steps in the Spirit.

We are absolutely right to ask God to change us, but we also need to take more faith-filled steps. Simple daily steps that say to Him, "I know You are faithful to do the transforming work, so I'm going to do a bit of work too... I'm going to whisper today instead of shout - I'm going to give gentle tuck-ins tonight instead of hurried exasperated ones - I'm going to get into a relationship with a Godly woman who can model right behavior for me - I'm going to set my alarm clock 30 minutes before my family gets up so that I can read my devotional on the treadmill - I'm going to partner with a friend who struggles with the same heart challenges so that we can pray for one another, serve one another, care for one another in the messiest places of life."

When sin overwhelms, recognition must give way to repentance. Take the first step of repentance.  Don't just feel bad and cry out for help... take His hand and let Him lift you.  Keep the steps moving forward, then make a U-turn, putting one righteous foot in front of the faithful other!  Walk yourself, in the power of God's Holy Spirit, out of bondage and into deliverance.  It is possible.  Step by step, by faithful, gentle, step.

You may have heard it said,

"To triumph you need only to try... God provides the Umph!"

Try... little steps, every day. Every day, little steps.

You've already called out to Him, that was the first step.

You felt conviction and you repented. Two more mighty steps.

Now what?

Abide, gather tools, and practice self-control...

Little steps to practice each faithful day

Step one - Get in God's Word. God tells us clearly that the fruit of His Spirit in our lives is love, but we can only bear fruit when we're securely attached to the vine.  He is the vine, we are the branches... apart from Him we can do nothing. Abide in His Word.  Abide in His love.

Step two -  Get practical.  Take a simple sheet of lined paper, or the notepad app on your iphone, or the front page in a brand new journal.  Write down the triggers that make you feel overwhelmed or frustrated, and come up with a game plan of how you will train your children without explosive anger.  How will you respond when they... what will you say when they say... what will you do when they... Come up with a game plan and don't let yourself be swept away by unprepared emotional responses any more.

Step three - Let go of the monitor "Angry Mom".  I addressed you as such only to get your attention (search engines really do work!) But now that you're here and we're talking, let me say that you are simply "Mom".  Mom.  Renounce the anger and remember what's true.  You do not hate them, and you do not hate yourself.  You are simply Mom, and it's hard, but there's love and the promise of God making all things new.  Renounce the anger and remember the love.

One little step at a time.

How do I stop yelling at my kids?

Moms all over the internet are crying out, "I want to stop yelling at my kids." They're up to their throats in shame, grabbing hold of the promise that change is possible. And it is.  But where do we go to talk about this stuff?  Where do we go to ask one another for prayer and the tools we need to change unhealthy, possibly generational, patterns.  Well, as strange as it may seem, there's a community at your fingertips, heaven-bent on encouraging you in your transformation. There is a private Facebook group sponsored by The MOB Society (MOB - Mothers of Boys), called "No More Angry MOB".  A couple of times a day author Amber Lia  and I post scripture promises, quotes about patience, prayers of confession and prayers of hope, and we tell stories and share testimonies of how whole families can be radically changed when parents learn to control their anger.  We talk together about how we got here, and how to get out of the ugly cycle of anger and hopelessness.  We talk about the sulfuric lies we tend to believe, (I can never change,) and rally together to believe what is true, (With God all things are possible!) It's a hopeful yet hurting motley group, and I've grown to love them deeply.

Maybe you would find yourself at home in their ranks.  Possibly you were raised by angry, yelling moms and dads.  Others of you may be naturally calm men and women who were raised in a laid back home, but suddenly, under the new and unexpected stresses of parenthood, you've found yourself short on patience and long on anger.  It can be an out of body experience, "How did I get here?"  But no matter how you got to this point, it can be shameful and surprising.  And you know, regardless of the path that lead you here, it must stop.  You know it, and I know it, but what can we do?

We can start by reaching out and joining a conversation like this, reaching out and confessing the ugly.  And bit by bit, voice by voice, baby steps at a time we start pointing out the promises and the hope and cheering one another on.  And then, out of nowhere, testimonies of how God transforms a sinner's heart start pouring down.  Here's how it goes:

Yesterday I asked a question on our No More Angry MOB Facebook page, and a conversation caught like wildfire.  I thought I'd share some of the highlights here, so that we can fan the flames and keep the dialogue going.

A woman replied to my simple question with one of her own:  "How do you get your kids to listen without screaming at them? Right now my children are four and five and they won't listen to me or pay attention to me unless I raise my voice and threaten them. I have to scream at them to get them to listen. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong or how can I change this. I don't want to be a bad mom." (Erin)

I nodded, over the internet, then wrote these words:

"First off, I think many of us have taught our children that it's all right to ignore us. Over the years we've called them to the table, asked them to get their shoes on, reminded them to clean their rooms... and when they didn't do what we asked, we raised our voices to get their attention. Other times we did nothing about it at all (telling ourselves that we were just "picking our battles.") The next day we thought we'd try giving more choices and speaking in a calm manner... only to get frustrated that it didn't work. So we yelled again.

But WHY don't our calm voices work?

I believe that when we are inconsistent we really only teach our children one thing... they don't have to honor us, UNLESS WE YELL!!!! They don't have to answer us, UNLESS WE YELL!!!! They don't need to turn off their lights and go to sleep, UNLESS WE YELL!!!!

But the thing is, what appears to give you control in the moment is really just you being out of control. And while it may get the result you were looking for short term, it doesn't reach their hearts of your little people... or refine long-term behavior.

But you asked "what should I do," not "how did I get here."

Here's what I suggest we do from here on out, every time. Let's commit to consistency. Like working out a muscle that is weak, you commit to speaking gently. Every. Time. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, they will ignore you. (Remember that they've gotten away with it before.)  But from here on out you will stop, though you are inconvenienced, if you are tired, even when you are upset.... And you will go to them with a soft voice. "John, I just asked you to pick up your train set. Our friends are coming for dinner. Please stop what you're doing and pick it up now."

When he doesn't, (because he won't,) come in with a paper bag and put it all away for him - on the top shelf of your closet. Then take him in your arms and tell him. "I am not going to yell anymore, I love you too much to yell. So I will simply take this toy away for one week."

Or maybe your style is to clean it up with him, making it a game, that's fine too. It's not how you do this, it's that you do it calm. "John, I'll get the track and you get the trains. We're a team. Our family is a team. All aboard!" Then praise him when he does it, even if it took more effort than you thought you had to give.

[Tweet "Flex your calm muscle, consistently, and they will eventually grow the muscle of obedience."]

Another woman chimed into this online conversation:

"I completely agree, but haven't for the life of me been able to think of any appropriate consequences for the following scenarios: 1) The child who ignores me when I ask him to get dressed or wash his hands after going to the bathroom. And 2) The same child who constantly aggravates his little brother by getting in his face and growling at him (which scares him) and  then he ignores me when I calmly ask him to leave his brother alone. Anybody had similar behaviors with some success in changing them? He's almost four. Thanks so much!" (Heather)

Again I nodded and again I typed:

"Sally Clarkson often reminds women that this is a marathon not a sprint, and that expecting immediate obedience is harmful to them and to us as the race stretches long and we need patience and endurance.

Heather, I have a child that does what yours does (and he is nine and should be through this challenging stage, right? Wrong! It's a marathon.) So I go to him, when he should already be dressed and should have remembered to wash his hands, and I simply say, "You are ignoring me, so I will help you put down those toys and walk back into the bathroom. Now please wash your hands and get dressed." And I go to him when he purposefully aggravates his little brother.  I get down on his eye level, and say with calm resolve, "Our home is safe and our home is loving. That wasn't safe or loving and so we can't have you around us right now. Go ahead and grab a book or a puzzle and go to your room. I will come get you in 30 minutes. When you come out I know you'll do a great job being gentle and kind with us."

The key is calm... He needs you calm. And you need you calm.  So get in close, because it's hard to yell when you're right up close. Go to him. You are going to do great! Some times we just need some tools."

 [Tweet "It's hard to yell when you're right up close."]

In this thread of conversation testimonies started flooding in.  I'd worked myself out of a counseling position because others had so much grace to add to the party:

"I have 3 boys...15, 13, 11. I was a yeller. I would cry in the shower because I was a yeller. I didn't want to yell. I wanted the circumstances to change so I didn't "have to" yell. What I found was that anxiety triggered my yelling. Pride triggered my yelling. Fear of my husband's yelling triggered my own. So...I faced my fears, anxieties, and pride. The flesh had to be crucified. I don't want my boys learning that yelling is the way to solve their problems or to use it to "motivate " anyone. It is crushing and painful. So now we do differently. My prayer...Lord, change ME. A beautiful thing is happening here. All glory to God. Push past the pain, moms. God is with you, He is for you." (Francea) "Walking this thru too. Love this quote: "Recognize yelling as a sign of weakness... Yelling tends to be a learned response to anger, stress and frustration... 'I have to yell just to be heard.' These parents are trying to direct my attention to the negative behavior of thier children but all I hear is that they are losing or have already lost control of their home. If you have to yell to be heard, something is wrong. Authority figures like policemen or judges don't have to yell to get their point across. Why? Because they hold the ultimate power. They are in control and don't have to prove a thing. Yelling sends a message to your child that his/her behavior has the power to unnerve you to the point of provoking an outburst.... Your lack of restraint reveals that your child holds the reins." fr "Toe to Toe with Your Teen by Dr Jim Myers. Great book, great encouragement for parenting defiant teens. In the chapter just before this, he reviews the amazing characteristics of God and gives specific ideas how to model these to our kids. I'm a work in progress - but it is possible! Push thru my friends! Victory awaits." (Jo-Ann)

...let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25

This is just a taste from the banqueting table that we feast around together.  The nuggets are transformative and hopeful, and we leave our times together built up and courageous.   You are welcome to join us as we spur one another on to abide, that we might bear the fruit of God's Spirit in each of our lives and there in our homes.

Come abide with us!

Joy

There are these people in our homes, in our lives, in our hearts who are desperate to celebrate each blessed day with us.  They are the ones who stop the raking to throw the leaves.  But you and I... we keep raking.  

As the leaves fluttered back down upon the driveway, this Word descended with them:

Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

If I could take a poll, broad and sweeping, I would ask women if Joy was on their short list of goals the new year.  "More happy time as a family, more smiling, more laughter..."  In my eleven years as a mom, this desperate desire to enjoy my people has been a reoccurring theme.

I love a good musical.  One of my favorite theatrical elements is the song writer's masterful ability to weave a reoccurring musical theme  throughout the diverse tapestry of songs.  A simple thread throughout.  One melodic pattern, subtly repeating, tying the story, characters and themes together.  I long for Joy, and not the pursuit of Joy, to be the reoccurring theme of my days. Interwoven through the ups and down, amidst the trials and celebrations of family life... Joy.  Yes, the composer who sang our lives into existence, the orchestrator of our story, desires that for us.

However, if I were honest with you, and you know I strive to be, I would have to say that the most recurring of themes in my mothering life has been joylessness.  This has all been so much harder than I expected it would be, and there was post-partum depression, hormonal imbalance and adrenal fatigue, my husband traveled for work, and my spirit sank low.  And all the while children were born.

Don't get me wrong, there was intense love and happy moments throughout, and I love these little people with an everlasting love, but my soul has spent more downcast years than I care to admit.  And each new year brought about the same Resolution:

Joy...

Until his year, when I threw my hands up in faith and resolved to resolve no more, and told the Lord that He could do it all!

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

And the leaves came down.  And my hands came down.  And the Word came down.  Be still and know... 

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

In the striving it's what we know... but in the stillness it's who we know.  Here in the stillness of unhurried moments, I am finding God.  And the glorious I-can't-believe-it part, is that as I find Him, I find Joy.

In Your Presence is fullness of Joy! Psalm 16:11

After all these years of going about it all wrong, I'm finding Joy.  And you're never going to believe this.... it truly is just like the lovliest of melodies, playing through the smiles of my people and the colors of the sunsets and the smell of bacon frying.  A simple melodic ribbon, tying together all the sights and scents and sounds that constitute my life.  I am surprised by it all. Most surprised by the joy.  Because I strived long and hard to embrace it, the Joy, all these years.  But it could only be found when I stopped striving and started abiding.

"Abide in my love..." He said it clear this time.   And I replied with trembling lips, upturned, "In Your Presence is fullness of Joy."

Joy...

I sought for years to embrace Joy, but only when I ceased from striving could Joy finally embrace me.

And there is peace and there is love and there is gentleness and self-control... The whole blessed basket of spiritual fruit we talk about is ripe for the picking!  I see now how all of the fruit really does come up and into our lives from the abiding root of being still and knowing that He, indeed, is God.

Joy...

I find it ironic that one of my sweetest friends, Christy over at The Write Season,  has begun an online movement called Joy Resolution.  I know that I just told you how I found my Joy by resolving to let go of resolutions, but our hearts beat the same... that you would know His incredible Joy-infusing Presence each day.  Follow Christy's Joy Resolution on FB, and share your Joy Stories with us.

Here's to a Simple Christmas without emotional meltdowns (yours or theirs)

I get easily overwhelmed.  I noticed it in college first, how I couldn't take as many classes, and hold down a job, and be in a play, and have a roommate who stayed up late talking on the phone... I needed lots of white noise, plenty of peace and quiet and stillness to feel centered and calm.  

I still do.

Today, amidst homeschooling and meal planning and speaking to women's groups, I still get overwhelmed.  But it's not as easy as dropping a class, because now I'm a mom and I can't drop a kid.  I used to break down and have a good cry session in my dorm room, burying my face into my fluffy peach comforter until I felt all poured out and better.  But a quiet afternoon to wail and reboot isn't realistic now, and the "all poured out" feelings hold new meaning as I give and serve and care.

All poured out.

I've got all these people who make noise and get hungry and want clean clothes and a ride to flag football and karate and music lessons.  And it's my privilege to listen and feed and clean and drive.  But I get all stressed out in the loving.

And I've got a twitch in my left eye.

But here's what I've learned about sensitive moms, moms who are easily overwhelmed by the busyness of life... we can be terribly quick to nag and yell and even explode at those we love most.  It's so convoluted!  Because, you see, we're all worn out from LOVING... so we don't act loving.  We're all worn out from the giving, so we don't give the best part of ourselves.  Our intentions are wonderful; to provide fun and good food and a clean home and parties and help in their classes and host play dates... then we get all out-of-sorts from the constant giving and then we lack love.

Love is an action, I've heard is said and so have you, but that doesn't mean going all the time.  The deepest loving is communicated through gentle whispers, in a game of catch, in movie night snuggles, in simply listening to what our children have to tell us in the safe quiet places of our home life.

It's hard to sit and listen when we're too busy loving.

And now it's Christmas and there are presents to wrap and cookies to bake, which means more tape to buy and a kitchen to clean, and "are all the kids stockings about the same size?"  So you run back to the store again for another bottle of bubble bath.  Add to the load a Christmas Kitchen Remodel, so there's dust everywhere and no food, and our guests will be here tomorrow night!  And I'm worn out from the going and doing and decorating... so I snap at the kid who keeps asking the same question.

I'm worn out from all the busyness of loving, that's my excuse to act unloving.

This is simple. SO SIMPLE. Yet hard. SO HARD.

Are you shortest on patience when your intentions are most loving. You give and you give, during the holidays and everyday! And then, all spent, you lack tenderness, gentleness, and self-control. But the goal was to give and to love! The goal was love.

Loading the kids in the car you run back to the house for the thermos full of cocoa and Santa hats for everyone.  But by the time you get to the street that's covered in Christmas lights, the sound of your children singing "Joy to the world" one more time makes you lose your head... lose your heart... and crush theirs.

If this is you, then choose with me to simplify this Christmas. Forgo the hot cocoa and the hats, leave the dishes in the sink, grab hold of their daddy's hand as you drive to see Christmas lights... and sing along.

 Buy fewer gifts, so you can be the gift.

Make fewer sweets, so you can be sweet.

Light fewer candles, so you have the energy to let your own light shine.

Make it a simple Christmas, Mamas. The goal is love.

Just a couple of weeks ago I offered you a pass to simplify Thanksgiving, and one sweet reader asked me to remind her again at Christmas.  Consider this my reminder...

The goal is love.

And so today I bid y'all a very Merry (simple) Christmas and the happiest of New Years.  I will be closing down the blog for these special days, so that I can LOVE, simply love, my most cherished husband and children this Christmas.

Want to know why I was petrified to light the Advent candle last Sunday?

I was the one upfront last Sunday, looking so put together next to my husband and our three boys, all five of us coordinated. When the choir finished "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" we took the steps behind the pastor, then gathered round the advent wreath waiting for our cue.  The boys were still as stone.  I didn't dare breath.

Then came the moment Pastor Scott said our name and the ten year old began reading Matthew 1:18-24, how the Holy Spirit had come to Mary and she conceived the Savior of the world. His high pitched voice rang clear as his childlike faith. The nine year old brother went to light the candle, but it was too high so I took the lighter and did it for him and gave him a kiss, like an apology.  That's when I noticed the smile.  First his, then mine, and before I knew it I saw my husband smiling down at our six year old who was praying, also grinning, telling God how thankful he is for our church and everyone there that morning. Then he thanked God for sending us Jesus, Amen.

Amen and it was done.

We walked back down to our little pew, rustling hair and patting backs for a job well done. We were smiling and the congregation gave their smiles back to us.  So I finally took a deep breath, and a tear rolled fat and heavy down my cheek because I had been SURE my kids were going to burn the church down that morning - which really isn't far-fetched, for those of you who know our boys.

We didn't have extended family with us and all of our close friends from church were in their Sunday School classes or helping in the children's ministry during that service.  So, I asked a complete stranger to take my camera and snap a few photos of our family that morning.  So thankful he said yes and thankful for this captured moment with smiles, because all this threatened to come undone the night before.

They'd had a miserable night with a babysitter as my husband and I enjoyed a long overdue date night.  One boy in particular was making mischief, riling up another; both of them wide awake when we came home at 10:30pm.  How they cried when they saw us pull up and into the drive.  Tearfull they promised, "But we were trying to be good."

The baby sitter looking surprised.

When I left to drive our sitter home I watched my husband from the rear view mirror turn from the porch and walk inside.  His shoulders sagged heavy and low. I kept apologizing as I drove the dark streets.  By the time I returned home I felt like an utter failure, then I felt mad, then I wanted chocolate.

I found my man in our bathroom.  For a while we stood side by side at the counter brushing teeth and scrubbing our faces with extra vigor.  When we tucked in together beneath the covers he gently asked, "How can we stand up there tomorrow morning like our family has it all together?"

"Grace, " the word came fast.  "Grace."

It was the Christiany thing to say, so he shrugged in agreement and tugged for more blankets because weary hearts need comfort.  After another disgruntled moment he went on, "I feel like their consequence should be that they can't go up on stage and light the advent candle tomorrow but I know that's wrong."

"Grace," I said it again.  "God didn't come because our kids are perfect.  He came because of sin.  Our little sinners are the perfect people to read about a Savior, to thank God for His gift of salvation, and to let their light shine because they've been saved."

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8

If you were in our church last Sunday morning, or any church for that matter where a mom and dad and a couple kids in red velvet dresses, patent leather shoes, argyle sweater vests or khaki pants stood up front to light the advent candle, and you felt less than worthy because your family isn't so put together... know deep down deep that we are all just sinners saved by Grace.  None of us deserving.  All of us forgiven.

Every one of us loved.  Every one of us a walking talking testimony of why Jesus came to earth.  

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." - John 3:16

You are perfectly flawed.  Light  the candle and let your light shine.

Your kids are perfectly flawed.  Light the candle and let your light shine.

Your marriage is perfectly flawed.  Light the candle and let your light shine.

Your childhood was perfectly flawed.  Light the candle and let your light shine.

Your present circumstances are perfectly flawed.  Light the candle and let your light shine.

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.

Live as children of light."  - Ephesians 5:8

 ...and Shine