Because sometimes that one child, with all their special needs, takes everything you have

Do you have a child with impulse control issues, ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Aspergers, Autism, Dyslexia, APD, Depression, Anxiety, or a unique concoction of those listed above? And is it hard? I bet it is. I know it is. Having a child (or children) with special needs, behavioral disorders and learning difficulties can be one of the most difficult weights to bear. And under the pressure, moms can explode and marriages implode and love erode. It's all so very complicated.  

One sweet mom recently asked for prayer concerning her anger, and was so insightful to recognize the connection between the constant energy her child with unique needs requires and her own twitchy trigger finger.  She confessed the way she tends to explode at the rest of the family when she is simply worn out by her one special child. Yes. I can relate. I remember going to the psychiatrist for the first time with my son with ADHD. After he was assessed and diagnosed I immediately started talking about all the other issues in our family and the possible disorders my other kids might have. The doctor smiled, nodded, and said, "It's very possible nobody has any diagnosable issues. They have issues, but the sort of issues that come from proximity. Don't worry. Let's see if we can help this one kid first. Usually what happens is that once we help one child with impulse control and oppositional tendencies everyone else's behavior in the home begins to change.

Kids with behavioral, developmental, or learning issues often cause the whole family to have issues as well. And to some extent I've seen that this is true. If one brother is hyperactive and discontent or argumentative, think of the way it affects siblings and mom and dad. That peaceful home you always imagined transforms into a stressful one with terse replies and a short-tempered marriage.

Unfortunately it's not as easy as a little pill. Some challenges simply aren't so treatable, and the ramifications run deep and wide. Sure, we can learn behavior modification techniques and coping skills, seek the help of therapists, try changing their diet and homeopathic remedies or more traditional medications, but for many families there remain... challenges.  Challenges because of that one dear child who sits awkwardly somewhere on the spectrum, demanding much of our time, every waking moment. Or the kid with dyslexia that still comes home with two hours of homework each school night, along with a backpack full of self-loathing. And by the time you get his needs taken care of you are all poured out, stressed, sad, and short tempered too.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you have such a challenging reality. But the deal is this, my friends: Your charge to love is the same as the woman next door with two compliant girls and bumper stickers boasting, "My child was on the honor roll... Again!" Every Christian woman has been given the same commission, regardless of circumstance: To love, because we have first been loved. To forgive, because Christ first forgave us. To suffer beside our children as long as need be, because our God is long-suffering in his tender love toward us.

Believe it or not - experience it or not - we have all received good and not evil from the Father's hand. But good doesn't always mean easy. Good means, I believe, just the right circumstances to help us recognize our desperate need for Jesus each and every day! That child with Aspergers and the two with ADHD, the teenager who struggles with anxiety, the one with OCD and his brother with APD, and the husband weighed down heavy with depression, and you with your own soul sadness...

Every human issue has the ability to point us towards our deepest soul issue... the fact we need God's power in our weakness, His saving in our failures, His hand to hold us up, His love when ours runs bone dry.

Ladies, there is no formula to conquer these challenges, and every other, other than Christ in you, each and every day. Abide in Him as He abides in you, carve out the time and make His near and transforming Word a priority, that you might bear the fruit of His Spirit in your overwhelming (God given) circumstances.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

What if the word "perfect" doesn't mean exactly what we imagined when we were first pregnant? We dreamed of perfection as ten fingers and ten toes, a soft tuft of hair, and all the baby powder scented memories we'd make together. We dreamt of perfection as the darling slept contented and awoke happily. We imagined perfect to mean all shiny and lovely and joyful and good. But what if "perfect" has more to do with perfecting the recipient of the gift? Transforming us via the present swaddled in our arms. 

God looks down upon his grown-up child and says, "I love you therefore I want to perfect you into my image... so I will send you a perfecting gift to help you in this process. A gift all hot and fiery to refine the dross right out of you. There may be ten fingers and ten toes, and contented sleep and happy waking times, but then again there may not be. I have formed this perfecting gift within the womb of a woman as part of my perfect plan to perfect a mother. To perfect a father. To perfect a family."

Do you know that God cares more about your transformation process than your comfort? And that is true in our mothering lives as well. And so He doesn't just allow imperfections to slip through His fingers and into our lives... He prepares, pre-plans, and perfects us in these anointed trials of motherhood.

I sat with my child on the end of his bed one afternoon when math was swirling in his head and simply would not make sense. He asked me, "Why do I have this issue?" And I hung my head in surrender there beside him and chose again to let his issue be my own, rather than letting his issue suck me dry and leave me unkind and worn out.

"Son," I said, "we all have issues. Every single person under heaven. And God has allowed them so that we can learn to turn to Him for His wisdom and strength each difficult day." And then I shared with him a few of my own challenges. Because it is true - we all have them. And in that moment my issues became encouragement to another. How much better, how much better... than when I've let his issues cause issues of my own.

Dear parents or children with challenges that challenge you, with issues that create issues there in your home. I'm praying for you today, that the Lord is reveling His perfecting plan in the midst of all of this.

He is good. Your child is good.  And you are good.

Press in to that, and press on.

when your children want to fight - ding ding ding - send them to their corners

Summer's halfway through. June with it's temperatures slowly rising and July with her fireworks, bare feet and drippy Popsicles.  Your boy has sweat beads forming on his upper lip, resting there all masculine on peach fuzz.  The bottoms of his feet are black from the pavement, and you holler, "wash those feet off before you get on the couch." It's all been good so far this summer, except for when it hasn't been good. Because sometimes boys get themselves all bound up into a negative place where only punches and complaints can make sense of it. Except it never does. Arguing, competing, fighting for the biggest piece of cherry pie never settles anything except for a mother's resolve to keep training those strong-willed boys.  

Before I wake up I often hear words coming from their room, biting and unkind. I hear them jesting and jostling over the plastic tingling sound of a pile full of lego. What happened to their cheerful hearts and pleasant play? They're all flexing muscles now to the point of feelings torn and bruised. It's a competition - who can be the loudest or the rudest or say the meanest thing. Three brothers close in age, I get how it can happen in the sweetest families.  But what to do when they raise your roof? When their hollers make us want to holler back?

I have a choice to make. Either jump into the ring and start swinging and yelling and fighting with the whole lot of them? "You be quiet! Enough! I'm not going to take that kind of attitude, young man! You want to fight? All right, I can fight. And you can bet I'm going to win this one too, because I'm the mom!" Or I can call each boy to his own corner (ding ding ding) and slowly walk around the outside of the ring.

Gently, with tender tones, I lean over the ropes, whisper into velvet soft ears, and remind them (yet again) how it is we love one another in our house.

How will you choose to communicate and lead your children? By joining the fight or encouraging those little fighters to drop their mitts?

Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

(Romans 12:21)

Don't join the fight, moms, don't join the fight. Drop the rope if you're already engaged, then move up close and tell them, "Nope, I don't want to fight with you. I'm here to love you and teach you, I'm not here to fight you." Drop the rope, drop the towel down on the mat between your children, call the match off.

ding - ding - ding

Everyone to your corners.

Let your good and gentle words,

your good and gentle tones,

your goodness and gentleness

so shine before your children,

that they will see and hear your love

and glorify your father in heaven.

Refuse to join the tussle.

God made boys strong!  Some of them uncomfortably so... Let us teach them gentleness with our gentleness, rather than trying to teach them gentleness by completing strength to strength. But if all this seems a bit too impossible, as you might be a strong-willed fighter too, then send yourself to your own corner... and let the Holy Spirit lean in calm and close and speak transforming truth clear and kind to your own burning up heart.

ding-ding-ding

Everyone to their corners!

Sometimes that means you, Mom, too.

Parenting Scripts - Do you want to know what to say to your kids when they...

What do you say when your child does that troublesome thing they always do? Yelling at a brother, saying "no" to you? Though you've trained them, explained them, consistently and always, still the same wrong behavior recurs. And it never ceases to take us by surprise. Why do we act as though we've been sucker punched? Blind-sided! When the wrong behaviors are so utterly consistent? Bed time, meal time, nap time... Repeat! Still you're shocked and can't help feeling personally attacked by the three year old who refuses to leave the park without flailing arms and blood-curdling screams. Coming out of bed for the fifteenth time. Crying over the meal that's been lovingly prepared. Throwing a fit in the grocery store over rainbow colored Goldfish, tic-tacs, and Sunny-D. Wet towels on bedroom floors. Complaints over chores. Staying in their seats during meal time. Sunday morning battles over church clothes. Helping to clear the plates without a dramatic melt-down. Physical and verbal explosions between siblings...

Amazingly we find ourselves surprised each time. Surprised and speechless!  Or worse... we yell back with all the wrong words.

Of course there is no one-size-fits-all response that can calm every storm in every home. But we can, individually and very intentionally, take some time to consider the right words... the right response... before the storm hits again, so that we'll be ready when it does. Because it will.

I call them scripts.

[Tweet "Parenting Scripts are words strung carefully together, when you're calm and collected. Crafted beforehand and then memorized and delivered at just the right time."]

Here are a couple of examples that showcase my pre-meditated responses. Please remember, this is not about my actual words - they are just examples of what it might look like to prepare your own responses before your responses flow reactive and emotional at your kiddos.

Example #1 Your child argues over anything and everything (from homework to the color of the sky to how many cookies they can have.)

"Sweetheart, I am calm. I'm not fighting with you. I gave you an answer. Do you want to live a life where you fight with everyone? No? Then don't fight with me. I am a good and kind mom, and you can trust that my answer is a good answer." (If they are not used to you staying calm, then you may have to repeat your words over and over.) "If you need to get upset, then you'll have to do it in your room on your own. Come on out when you are ready."

Example #2 You've asked your child to clear the breakfast table and they respond with anger.

"Every morning clearing the breakfast table is your job, honey, so there's no need to argue. You're not in trouble, this is not a consequence, this is simply your job. My job is to get you ready to have a great life once you are all grown up, and learning to clear the table is one of those jobs. So I will do my job (teaching you) and you will do your job (saying, Yes ma'am.)"

Example #3 Your child throws a fit because you didn't buy them something. "Your fit will not change my mind. I love you and am making the right choice for you. You have a wonderful mom who is making healthy choices for you today. Let's head home without crying now. Crying won't work, it will only make you sad. Here, hold my hand."

Example #4  Talking back with a rude voice and haughty eyes.

"You may choose to spend some time in your room if you want to be unkind with your words and the looks you're giving. Of course, I hope you can get over it quickly because I sure want to be with your today. But your bad attitude will not get you want you want. And you may not take it out on us." (If they fight over this loving encouragement...) "Alright Sweetheart, now I'm going to have to require you head to your room. I am not going to fight with you and you are not being kind. I'll come check in with you in a bit. Please don't call for me."

Example #5 Refusing to eat what they are served for dinner.

"I'm not going to argue with you at the dinner table. I have served you a good dinner. It is not your favorite but you may not throw a fit about this. Sit there quietly now and eat your dinner, or choose not to eat it and go to bed hungry tonight, but there will not be dessert or snacks when you get hungry... No, you may not leave the table. We are sitting here as a family having a meal together... No, you may not get a yogurt, this is dinner..."

Remember, these are my words, my ecxamples, my responses, scripted in calm moments. You don't have to like my responses, you get to write your own.  That's what this is about.

[Tweet "Figure out what you mean to say, before you say something mean."]

Then wave it like a magic wand over each stress-filled moment. Wave it consistently, with calm kindness.

For more on calm parenting, when your kids want to tussle, join me here.

Summertime Agenda of Awesome '15

June-Gloom is a real thing, hanging heavy on California's coastline when we're all ready for the sun to burn the marine layer away.  June-Gloom is a real expression, branded here on the West Coast.  But May can be the same way, only she doesn't have a catch phrase in her corner, so my husband is intent on coining this one: May Malaise  

malaise |məˈlāz; -ˈlez| (noun) a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify : a society afflicted by a deep cultural malaise | a general air of malaise.

I like it alright, nice alliteration, but without a viral push and an army of tweets it probably won't stick. However, there is a new summer catch-phrase on the rise, now that kids are getting out of school and moms are desperate to start the holiday off right:

 "Summertime Agenda of Awesome"

Last year, creative mom blogger Kelli Stuart started hash-tagging every picture she uploaded of her blond kids to Instagram:

 #Summertimeagendaofawesome

She made a poster-board listing the fun they'd have, alongside a splattering of rules, such as, "Snacks at 10am and 2pm each day" and "we cannot feed the entire neighborhood at dinner every night." Her summertime agenda of awesome also offered incentives for her children like $1 per book.

And so this year, when I read that she'd made a new sign, I jumped on board!  Literally jumped on a great big piece of cardboard! And now I'm inviting you to do the same and hash-tag your way through the summer with us:

#Summertimeagendaofawesome15

I grabbed the leftover trifold poster-board I'd bought for my fifth-grader's sixth-grader's science project that he didn't use this year, and found the dye-cut letters from my third-grader's fourth-grader's Tsunami Lego project, and started printing up lists and goals and plans and a calendar and a Bible verse. And this is where I confess that our #Summertimeagendaofawesome15 poster-board may be slightly more awesome then Kelli's - not that it's a competition moms - just saying that I snapped a picture, sent it her way, with the caption, "My Summertime Agenda of Awesome poster-board just ate yours!"

"Over-acheiver" she text back with a snarky tone.

"And by the way," I replied, "my kids are making twenty-five cents a chapter over here this summer."

"Good, tell them to get reading. Because your kids are buying the popsicles when you come out to Florida this summer."

Seriously, ladies, we're just having some fun. You can make yourself a poster or not, have a Family Summer Bible Verse or not, read aloud from a heavy book or not, use the months off to work on math sheets or not, see the Grand Canyon or not, raise money for a local ministry or not...

All I'm saying is is this...

Make it an awesome Summer Moms!

Say yes to your kids, say yes to your husband, say yes to more rest and more play and loads of water colors and poolside parties.  Say yes when they ask to face paint, say yes to the mess, say yes to Lemon Bars, say yes to having friends over last minute, and yes to kicking your children outside for long stretches of sweaty play each day.  Say Yes... to an agenda that includes all of this and more.

#Summertimeagendaofawesome15

Who's in?

For those of you who are zooming in to see what specifics I included in our chart:

-The Kids listed the special things they want to do this summer.

-We also listed the big things we're looking forward to, like church camp and our trip to Florida (because we really are going to do that!)

-Our Summertime Verse is Ephesians 4:29.

-I printed up a blank calendar online and filled it in with all of our plans so the kids can see what's coming up next.

-Reading log, where each kid can record the title of the book and how many chapters he read.

-Little Men is the book we're reading together as a family this summer.  It's one of my all time favorite books for boys.

-Missionary Fund - Since life is so super busy during the school year, we focus on raising money for our ministry partners as a family during the summer.  Lemonade stands are a great introduction to this, tithing from their book reading fund, and a few other creative money making ventures will allow us to give together as a family.

-Sleep-In and Win!  This is our first summer trying our hand at a sleeping in competition.  Last year's competition was Wii Just Dance Kids, and my oldest beat me with "Every Body was Kung Fu Fighting." This year, however, the kids get a checkmark each time they sleep until 8am or later!  The boy who slept in the most times will get some AWESOME prize at summer's end.

-Most Cheerful Servant sticker chart is simply my way of encouraging the children to out-serve one another this summer. The day I unveiled the chart two of my kids were extra eager to get in the kitchen and kept asking my TEN favorite words EVER!  "Mom, is there anything else I can do to help?"

-Rules and chores are pasted discretely on the backside of the board so that the front can be all about the fun.  Sure, there are limits to TV and screen time and daily charts to remember that making beds and hanging wet suits are paramount this summer too... but our focus is on the celebration this summer.

Feel free to follow along on Instagram this summer...

#Summertimeagendaofawesome15

When you're desperate for your kids to believe these words - I love you

 

There are moments when all the matter of emotion in my heart gets stirred up like a sand storm over these children and it hurts - literally, physically breaks me. Oh that they know it! That the particles of it are swirling on their skin and get caught up in their nostrils, that they might inhale it deeply. Believing. Yes, I want them to know it deep-down-deep and own it, assured. They are loved.

I whisper it fiercely, sing it sweetly, tickle their backs with the skin-to-skin reminder. "I love you." More than words, "I love you" is real and near and safe, here in their childhood home.

Seven things that communicate this safety net we call Love

1) Good Morning Rubs - Wake your children with a touch and gentle words - I know that mornings can be rush, and grace can be elusive when we're hurrying out the door, but here at the beginning of summer purpose to indulge in slow waking up moments with a song and a rub.  My children especially enjoy a good butt rub as I sing, Rise and shine and give God the glory!

2) Breakfast Prayers - My children don't get rote prayers at the breakfast table around these parts.  Once their food is on the table we bow our heads and give a shout out to the one who gave us each new day, the sun on the rise, the unifying love of brotherhood, the flowers beyond our kitchen window, the zipline in the yard beyond.  Now don't for a second think that my middle kid isn't sneaking sips of milk, or that the youngest isn't kicking the oldest under the table.  I'm just flat out determined to praise God for each new day regardless.  I've decided that harping about their disrespectful attitude during breakfast prayers won't help them grow up to praise God any better.  So a gentle reminder is what I give, then I wrap it up with an Amen let's eat!

3) Ordinary, every day celebrations - Whether it is dinnertime in front of the TV or picnics in the back yard, saying yes to home-front adventures of the simplest variety communicates that family is a celebration.  My mom used to randomly throw us Teddy Bear Parties. We would bring all our stuffed animals to the dinner table - every chair in the house, pulled into the dinning room for our stuffed friends, and always cake for desserts.  Soft, cuddly, tasty, celebratory memories of a mother's love.

4) Relationships with dear friends - Allowing other adults to pour love into the lives of our little ones is paramount.  Having an occasional "girl's night out" is crucial for mom, but don't forget to get families together and OFTEN!  Grow family friendships, break bread, vacation together.  Love one anther's kids like family, bless one another's children, and be there for celebrations and sorrows alike. This past year my kids' school had a grandparents day and none of our grandparents could be there, so one of our best adult friends showed up in the middle of his work day to tour the children's classrooms.  "Uncle Pat," they called our friend, and their hearts swelled.  I have no doubt that in the years to come my boys will turn to Uncle Pat for counsel and encouragement many times.

5) Traditions are the roads that love travels down time and again -  Friday night movie nights, water skiing at the lake every summer, playing chess with dad, date nights with mom... traditions are those things (big and small) that you do over and over again and again.  A pathway in little brains, going deeper and deeper each time the familiar road is trod upon.  The message is spoken over again as batch after batch of brownies come out of kitchen ovens... "You are worth celebrating. I love being with you.  Our family is all about love!"

6) Word's of life - His pupils take over the speckled colors of his eyes.  Dilating in response to words that say I love you.  Every time I lean into the quiet and whisper, "I really like you son.  I like the way you treat your Grandma, the way you help me in the kitchen, the way you serve the little kids at church.  You are such a sweetheart of a boy and I just like being with you so much. You are going to be a wonderful husband one day, such a good daddy.  I love watching you grow up!"

7) Read books that model love - The love in a home between husband and wife, the love between a man and his God, the love between brothers and friends.  Lift up your voice and baptize your children with the pictures of love throughout literature, poetry, and the Bible.

8) Don't beat around the bush, talk about love point blank - Bathe them in conversation about love in all its various forms. And point it out, praise them for loving in the every day moments of living. "I just saw you love your brother!  Good job loving me tonight with your hugs and your words.  You showed love for our neighbors today when you swept their driveway!"

9) Night time Blessings - I thought that tuck-ins were going to be delightful with young children.  They proved harder, not so simple, with one issue or another arising each night.  But I believe in persevering through the melt-downs and demands. I press on, through I'm exhausted, because I want my children to remember their Mama's voice singing blessings over them.  "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures here below, Praise Him above ye heavenly host, Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." That's a good one there; A doxology to end long days.  Or our family's favorite nighttime tune: "The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine upon you, and give you peace forever..."

10) Our private prayers - After the children are down for the night, or scattered throughout your days in an unceasing sort of way... pray.  Pray that the Lord's Holy Spirit continues to chase your children down and woo them to faith.  Pray that God's Spirit knits the hearts under your roof together in a supernatural way as you all sleep.  Pray for His unifying love to fill and overflow from every heart in your home.  Ask like a squeaky wheel each night that God would speak truth into the ears of your beloveds: "You are loved and safe here in this family.  You will grow to love and serve Me here.  You will love as you have been loved and care as you have been cared for.  Home is My gift to you.  Home."

Dear Moms and Dads, (and listen up my own heart too) this short season that stretches on in the most weary making way, is designed by Love for love.  God, who is love, planned the family as He did that we might love well and train them up to love their own generation and the next.  Love is not this elusive thing to be private about.  Love is radical and purposeful and a muscular sort of life that saves and serves and celebrates.  Love is our calling.  Love is the Light and the Salt and the heartbeat in every believer's breast.  Love is like an arbor grounding our children.  Love gives them the vision and the strength they will need to one day go out and build similar arbors of safety for those they love well on the other side of childhood.

Loving is an honor, our high calling. I want to grab it purposefully with my own two hands and build it well with my words and my touches and my reading and my singing, my laughter and my tuck-ins and my wake-ups, and my “come to the dinner” hollers into the back yard. All of it communicating this: I love you.

The Calling In What Remains Of Your Life

by John Blase

The eyes of the aspen are watching to see if before you cross over to that next place you’ll take your simple life and grind it up in your imagination so as to build exquisite arbors of memory your children and children’s children can stand beneath and find shade. If you are faithful to this calling then future generations might pause beneath the shelter of your effort, shored up with the knowing that one of their kin dared each day to look unafraid into the very heart of this sorrowed heaven on earth and that even in the vex of grief said thank you, thank you for it all. The eyes of the aspen are watching to see if you’ll spend the remains of your life this way. If so these earthly angels promise gold as you surrender, a quaking whisper of those forgotten words from the old book: well done.