Noise and Boys and Noisy Boys... and boys who make noise

Just the other day I snapped this picture of my eldest son in our family room, and remembered how I had planned to decorate that wall this summer. But the time got away somehow, and I'm still left with all that white space.

When I pick up a home decorating magazine in the checkout line, or scroll through Instagram, I suddenly feel this overwhelming urge to frame pictures and buy mirrors, hanging them all together in some eclectic pattern that compliments our LOUD orange couch and ragamuffin boys.

Only... all that white space feels calming in a home full of rough and tumble sons rolling pell-mell out of bed and straight into conflict and loud happy sounds each day. So much noise. Noise and boys and noisy boys assail my sensibilities from Son up til Son down. And smack dab in the middle of the cacophony I can't bring myself to decorate those white walls - because I need space to breath.

Do you know what all that empty space says about me? I need a lot of white space. A LOT of white space! Quiet lovely white spaces that feel like white noise... when there isn't any of that. Walls without tons of color and countertops without tons of clutter.

Which is why all the noise that comes with boys feels like stress on each and every nerve. Because I experience beauty and comfort in the empty spaces. Always have - I can see that looking back now. How I couldn't have a roommate in college because I needed long stretches of quiet. But that's not possible today, because these little roommates are my children! Though I function best in the quiet, and love clutter free places... I have boys.

I'm sure there are hundreds of lists compiled by hundreds of boymoms about where to go to refresh in sweet quiet, as to cope with all that boy-noise. But today I'm curious what God's Word would have me do. Though we admonish one another to get-away and find some peace, today I want to know where His Word would send me to find it. What Scriptures would best guide me through the labyrinth of LOUD? What passages can lead me amidst the constant rowdy soundtrack of my days in search of peace?

And so, if your trigger to feeling overwhelmed in this mothering life is the ceaseless noise there in your home and in your car, at Target, on the way to church, and everywhere you go when they come too... When what you lack is quiet, causing you to explode, then let's consider together where God tells us our peace can best be found... "For He Himself is our peace..." (Ephesians 2:14a)

In Him.

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me." And the fruit that we desperately desire when we feel chaos pressing in through our ears, in through our feminine pores, from all the rambunctious boy sounds is peace. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)

In Him.

Abiding in Him is the only white space that can ever truly bring our blood pressure down and still the quaking in our overwhelmed souls. Though a mani/pedi sounds divine, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you." (John 14:27) "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."(John 16:33)

In Him.

I'm stringing these verses together believing they just might be the answer for some of us. For those of us who can't seem to cope with all the noise that just won't stop.

In Him.

And so instead of a list of where to go, let's consider together when to go... to Him... for He is the peace in our days... the space when space is tight... the quiet Spirit to our loud life. Consider with me when and how to run to Him, abide in Him, find our stabilizing peace in Him, during the crazy making days raising boys who make noise, raising noisy boys.

In the morning - come to Him.

Open up His Word - sanctified in Him.

Over your coffee - turn to Him.

Cuddling close during naps - speak of Him.

Over snacks - thanking Him.

Making dinner - praising Him.

Correcting loud conflicts - even then, with Him.

Oh I pray this feels practical and not elusive, because He is real and ready to hold you when you start to shake within and without. And the more often you turn to Him in your explosive moments, the more His peace will become you so that those moments don't happen near so much. What I'm saying is... turn to Him so often, that you end up looking at Him all the time!

Remain all day "In Him" - and He will remain all day "In you" and you will bear this fruit of peace, though the mountains seem to rattle and shake beneath your feet and your heart grows wearier than you think you can bear. Remain. In. Him. Press into Him. Refuse to leave Him. And then, having done everything, to stand firm. Keep standing... In Him.

In Him.

---

This post was inspired by a group of over 8,000 women who meet together for encouragement on a private facebook page each day. Women who struggle with mom-rage. Some of them learned it from generations of angry women before them, while others are surprised by this sin-tendency and have no one to blame but themselves - though many blame their children.

Currently, my dear friend Amber Lia and I are leading them from a series addressing 43 common triggers that threaten to send moms off the deep end. Our encouragement has very little to do with addressing the child's behavior, focusing instead on a mother's right biblical response. We'd love to have you join us. The Facebook page is hosted by The MOB Society (MOB = Mothers of boys) and is called "No More Angry MOB", and you are welcome there.

Because sometimes that one child, with all their special needs, takes everything you have

Do you have a child with impulse control issues, ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Aspergers, Autism, Dyslexia, APD, Depression, Anxiety, or a unique concoction of those listed above? And is it hard? I bet it is. I know it is. Having a child (or children) with special needs, behavioral disorders and learning difficulties can be one of the most difficult weights to bear. And under the pressure, moms can explode and marriages implode and love erode. It's all so very complicated.  

One sweet mom recently asked for prayer concerning her anger, and was so insightful to recognize the connection between the constant energy her child with unique needs requires and her own twitchy trigger finger.  She confessed the way she tends to explode at the rest of the family when she is simply worn out by her one special child. Yes. I can relate. I remember going to the psychiatrist for the first time with my son with ADHD. After he was assessed and diagnosed I immediately started talking about all the other issues in our family and the possible disorders my other kids might have. The doctor smiled, nodded, and said, "It's very possible nobody has any diagnosable issues. They have issues, but the sort of issues that come from proximity. Don't worry. Let's see if we can help this one kid first. Usually what happens is that once we help one child with impulse control and oppositional tendencies everyone else's behavior in the home begins to change.

Kids with behavioral, developmental, or learning issues often cause the whole family to have issues as well. And to some extent I've seen that this is true. If one brother is hyperactive and discontent or argumentative, think of the way it affects siblings and mom and dad. That peaceful home you always imagined transforms into a stressful one with terse replies and a short-tempered marriage.

Unfortunately it's not as easy as a little pill. Some challenges simply aren't so treatable, and the ramifications run deep and wide. Sure, we can learn behavior modification techniques and coping skills, seek the help of therapists, try changing their diet and homeopathic remedies or more traditional medications, but for many families there remain... challenges.  Challenges because of that one dear child who sits awkwardly somewhere on the spectrum, demanding much of our time, every waking moment. Or the kid with dyslexia that still comes home with two hours of homework each school night, along with a backpack full of self-loathing. And by the time you get his needs taken care of you are all poured out, stressed, sad, and short tempered too.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you have such a challenging reality. But the deal is this, my friends: Your charge to love is the same as the woman next door with two compliant girls and bumper stickers boasting, "My child was on the honor roll... Again!" Every Christian woman has been given the same commission, regardless of circumstance: To love, because we have first been loved. To forgive, because Christ first forgave us. To suffer beside our children as long as need be, because our God is long-suffering in his tender love toward us.

Believe it or not - experience it or not - we have all received good and not evil from the Father's hand. But good doesn't always mean easy. Good means, I believe, just the right circumstances to help us recognize our desperate need for Jesus each and every day! That child with Aspergers and the two with ADHD, the teenager who struggles with anxiety, the one with OCD and his brother with APD, and the husband weighed down heavy with depression, and you with your own soul sadness...

Every human issue has the ability to point us towards our deepest soul issue... the fact we need God's power in our weakness, His saving in our failures, His hand to hold us up, His love when ours runs bone dry.

Ladies, there is no formula to conquer these challenges, and every other, other than Christ in you, each and every day. Abide in Him as He abides in you, carve out the time and make His near and transforming Word a priority, that you might bear the fruit of His Spirit in your overwhelming (God given) circumstances.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

What if the word "perfect" doesn't mean exactly what we imagined when we were first pregnant? We dreamed of perfection as ten fingers and ten toes, a soft tuft of hair, and all the baby powder scented memories we'd make together. We dreamt of perfection as the darling slept contented and awoke happily. We imagined perfect to mean all shiny and lovely and joyful and good. But what if "perfect" has more to do with perfecting the recipient of the gift? Transforming us via the present swaddled in our arms. 

God looks down upon his grown-up child and says, "I love you therefore I want to perfect you into my image... so I will send you a perfecting gift to help you in this process. A gift all hot and fiery to refine the dross right out of you. There may be ten fingers and ten toes, and contented sleep and happy waking times, but then again there may not be. I have formed this perfecting gift within the womb of a woman as part of my perfect plan to perfect a mother. To perfect a father. To perfect a family."

Do you know that God cares more about your transformation process than your comfort? And that is true in our mothering lives as well. And so He doesn't just allow imperfections to slip through His fingers and into our lives... He prepares, pre-plans, and perfects us in these anointed trials of motherhood.

I sat with my child on the end of his bed one afternoon when math was swirling in his head and simply would not make sense. He asked me, "Why do I have this issue?" And I hung my head in surrender there beside him and chose again to let his issue be my own, rather than letting his issue suck me dry and leave me unkind and worn out.

"Son," I said, "we all have issues. Every single person under heaven. And God has allowed them so that we can learn to turn to Him for His wisdom and strength each difficult day." And then I shared with him a few of my own challenges. Because it is true - we all have them. And in that moment my issues became encouragement to another. How much better, how much better... than when I've let his issues cause issues of my own.

Dear parents or children with challenges that challenge you, with issues that create issues there in your home. I'm praying for you today, that the Lord is reveling His perfecting plan in the midst of all of this.

He is good. Your child is good.  And you are good.

Press in to that, and press on.

when your children want to fight - ding ding ding - send them to their corners

Summer's halfway through. June with it's temperatures slowly rising and July with her fireworks, bare feet and drippy Popsicles.  Your boy has sweat beads forming on his upper lip, resting there all masculine on peach fuzz.  The bottoms of his feet are black from the pavement, and you holler, "wash those feet off before you get on the couch." It's all been good so far this summer, except for when it hasn't been good. Because sometimes boys get themselves all bound up into a negative place where only punches and complaints can make sense of it. Except it never does. Arguing, competing, fighting for the biggest piece of cherry pie never settles anything except for a mother's resolve to keep training those strong-willed boys.  

Before I wake up I often hear words coming from their room, biting and unkind. I hear them jesting and jostling over the plastic tingling sound of a pile full of lego. What happened to their cheerful hearts and pleasant play? They're all flexing muscles now to the point of feelings torn and bruised. It's a competition - who can be the loudest or the rudest or say the meanest thing. Three brothers close in age, I get how it can happen in the sweetest families.  But what to do when they raise your roof? When their hollers make us want to holler back?

I have a choice to make. Either jump into the ring and start swinging and yelling and fighting with the whole lot of them? "You be quiet! Enough! I'm not going to take that kind of attitude, young man! You want to fight? All right, I can fight. And you can bet I'm going to win this one too, because I'm the mom!" Or I can call each boy to his own corner (ding ding ding) and slowly walk around the outside of the ring.

Gently, with tender tones, I lean over the ropes, whisper into velvet soft ears, and remind them (yet again) how it is we love one another in our house.

How will you choose to communicate and lead your children? By joining the fight or encouraging those little fighters to drop their mitts?

Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

(Romans 12:21)

Don't join the fight, moms, don't join the fight. Drop the rope if you're already engaged, then move up close and tell them, "Nope, I don't want to fight with you. I'm here to love you and teach you, I'm not here to fight you." Drop the rope, drop the towel down on the mat between your children, call the match off.

ding - ding - ding

Everyone to your corners.

Let your good and gentle words,

your good and gentle tones,

your goodness and gentleness

so shine before your children,

that they will see and hear your love

and glorify your father in heaven.

Refuse to join the tussle.

God made boys strong!  Some of them uncomfortably so... Let us teach them gentleness with our gentleness, rather than trying to teach them gentleness by completing strength to strength. But if all this seems a bit too impossible, as you might be a strong-willed fighter too, then send yourself to your own corner... and let the Holy Spirit lean in calm and close and speak transforming truth clear and kind to your own burning up heart.

ding-ding-ding

Everyone to their corners!

Sometimes that means you, Mom, too.

Parenting Scripts - Do you want to know what to say to your kids when they...

What do you say when your child does that troublesome thing they always do? Yelling at a brother, saying "no" to you? Though you've trained them, explained them, consistently and always, still the same wrong behavior recurs. And it never ceases to take us by surprise. Why do we act as though we've been sucker punched? Blind-sided! When the wrong behaviors are so utterly consistent? Bed time, meal time, nap time... Repeat! Still you're shocked and can't help feeling personally attacked by the three year old who refuses to leave the park without flailing arms and blood-curdling screams. Coming out of bed for the fifteenth time. Crying over the meal that's been lovingly prepared. Throwing a fit in the grocery store over rainbow colored Goldfish, tic-tacs, and Sunny-D. Wet towels on bedroom floors. Complaints over chores. Staying in their seats during meal time. Sunday morning battles over church clothes. Helping to clear the plates without a dramatic melt-down. Physical and verbal explosions between siblings...

Amazingly we find ourselves surprised each time. Surprised and speechless!  Or worse... we yell back with all the wrong words.

Of course there is no one-size-fits-all response that can calm every storm in every home. But we can, individually and very intentionally, take some time to consider the right words... the right response... before the storm hits again, so that we'll be ready when it does. Because it will.

I call them scripts.

[Tweet "Parenting Scripts are words strung carefully together, when you're calm and collected. Crafted beforehand and then memorized and delivered at just the right time."]

Here are a couple of examples that showcase my pre-meditated responses. Please remember, this is not about my actual words - they are just examples of what it might look like to prepare your own responses before your responses flow reactive and emotional at your kiddos.

Example #1 Your child argues over anything and everything (from homework to the color of the sky to how many cookies they can have.)

"Sweetheart, I am calm. I'm not fighting with you. I gave you an answer. Do you want to live a life where you fight with everyone? No? Then don't fight with me. I am a good and kind mom, and you can trust that my answer is a good answer." (If they are not used to you staying calm, then you may have to repeat your words over and over.) "If you need to get upset, then you'll have to do it in your room on your own. Come on out when you are ready."

Example #2 You've asked your child to clear the breakfast table and they respond with anger.

"Every morning clearing the breakfast table is your job, honey, so there's no need to argue. You're not in trouble, this is not a consequence, this is simply your job. My job is to get you ready to have a great life once you are all grown up, and learning to clear the table is one of those jobs. So I will do my job (teaching you) and you will do your job (saying, Yes ma'am.)"

Example #3 Your child throws a fit because you didn't buy them something. "Your fit will not change my mind. I love you and am making the right choice for you. You have a wonderful mom who is making healthy choices for you today. Let's head home without crying now. Crying won't work, it will only make you sad. Here, hold my hand."

Example #4  Talking back with a rude voice and haughty eyes.

"You may choose to spend some time in your room if you want to be unkind with your words and the looks you're giving. Of course, I hope you can get over it quickly because I sure want to be with your today. But your bad attitude will not get you want you want. And you may not take it out on us." (If they fight over this loving encouragement...) "Alright Sweetheart, now I'm going to have to require you head to your room. I am not going to fight with you and you are not being kind. I'll come check in with you in a bit. Please don't call for me."

Example #5 Refusing to eat what they are served for dinner.

"I'm not going to argue with you at the dinner table. I have served you a good dinner. It is not your favorite but you may not throw a fit about this. Sit there quietly now and eat your dinner, or choose not to eat it and go to bed hungry tonight, but there will not be dessert or snacks when you get hungry... No, you may not leave the table. We are sitting here as a family having a meal together... No, you may not get a yogurt, this is dinner..."

Remember, these are my words, my ecxamples, my responses, scripted in calm moments. You don't have to like my responses, you get to write your own.  That's what this is about.

[Tweet "Figure out what you mean to say, before you say something mean."]

Then wave it like a magic wand over each stress-filled moment. Wave it consistently, with calm kindness.

For more on calm parenting, when your kids want to tussle, join me here.

What to do when your child wants to play Tug-of-War? Drop. The. Rope.

 Drop. The. Rope.

Do you feel like you're in a never-ending game of tug-of-war with your kiddos? That one strong-willed boy, or the hormonal two year old with lopsided braids and mismatched socks looking side-ways at you, because you cut her steak the wrong way?

It was an absolute life changer for me when I realized that two people can't play that tug-of-war game if one of them simply let's go of their own taught end and loosens up a bit.

Thud.

The rope falls down. He falls down.  She falls down. The fight falls down. Falls out.

Drop. The. Rope.

Today one of my kiddos was adamant about ________, well... you fill in the blank. Because honestly, it was everything at every turn. And it doesn't really matter what it was, because you know exactly what it's like inside your own four walls. I felt blood boiling under feminine skin and my cheeks were red hot. However, miracle of miracles, I remembered the game of tug-of-war. More specifically, I recalled that it takes two people pulling at one another from two different ends. And, I remembered what happens when one opponent just drops the rope: the game comes to an end.

Thud.

No part of me wanted to fight and so I chose to drop the rope.

So I did something VERY STRANGE instead of fighting him - I talked to myself in the gentlest tones. I let go of the rope and had myself a conversation on the side-lines, as my pent up boy watched on. I talked to myself, and as I talked to me I talked to him, from a healthy inner-dialogue. So often this mother's negative inner-dialogue comes out like arrows, so full of lies and shame. "Why do you always fight me? Why don't you listen to me? You never just say thank you, you always want more..." Inner dialogue flying out of me and straight into his heart.

But today I dropped the rope and picked up truth.

"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

I dropped those negative thought patterns, then purposefully chose truth, I picked it up, instead of the rope, and turned it into a string of auditory words: "I love you son. I'm a good mom. I am making good choices for you. God did a good job when he made me your mom, because He knew I would help you grow up to be good and wise and kind. He also wants me to teach you to eat healthy food and wash your hair all the way down to the scalp and start using deodorant every morning, and brush your teeth three times a day. I'm doing a good job of teaching you all those things. I love you, and I don't have any desire to argue with you. God doesn't want me to fight you. But I bet he loves it when we hug. What do you say we turn our game of tug-of-war into a sweet hug-a-war?  You don't want to fight me and I don't want to fight you. Let's hug it out instead."

Thud.

And just like that the tug-of-war became a hug-a-war.

Three practical things to help you drop the rope when your kids want to battle it out!

1) Ding Ding Ding - send everyone to their corners - or their rooms as the case may be.  "We don't fight with one another in our house.  You go calm down in your room and I'll spend some time calming down in mine."

2) Remember what is true - You love this kid and he or she absolutely adores you!  That's one thing we need to remember.  But also remember that God gave us a pattern for parenting willfully disobedient children - Let's remember how He deals with us; gently, patiently, with gracious long-suffering.

3) Speak life rather than death -  Tell your child what you remembered is true - as you sat their in your time-out corner.  Then plant these life giving seeds into their fertile young hearts.  "I love you and you love me and we can talk about this.  But in the end, if you like what I say is going to happen or not, you are going to have to do what I choose, because you are the sweet child and I am the loving mom."

Drop the rope and pick up grace...

The imagery of the Tug of War rope in parenting is vivid, and an amazing thing happens when we drop our side of the rope.

Thud.

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. (Psalm 34:14)

Thud.