My child's discontentment makes me discontent

Welcome to part two of our series,"You Are Not a Victim, You're a Mom." Today we're clawing our way to the gnarly root system of this victim mentality by talking about discontentment - ours not theirs.

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There's an epidemic of entitled discontentment slithering into homes around America today. Unfortunately, I believe, parents are so overwhelmed by the discontented cries of their children, they've grown deaf to their own complaining hearts.

Whether our kids are pushing for more things to buy, more time on their devices, or another book at bedtime, moms today feel pushed and pulled and... victimized.

We are desperate for them to be satisfied, so that they may know peace, and we can finally have some too.

"If they didn't throw fits, then I'd be happy. If they'd eat what I serve them, then I'd be happy. If they stopped asking for more at bedtime... If they stopped arguing with their brother over toys... If they stopped asking for whatever's next, always next... complaining so much... leaving a mess... being so loud... melting down over chores... over homework... over gold-fish...

[Tweet "If my kids weren't so discontented... I could be content!"]

Do you see what I'm getting at? We've become the victim. In a way they're now in control, and we've become the child, throwing discontented fits of our own.

Though I have a child who struggles without end for more and more, seemingly never satisfied, his thorn of discontent has become my own. I've allowed his lack of peace and gratitude to steal my peace and gratitude.  I harp on him incessantly, so discontent with his discontentment.  Yes, I've become the victim.

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We want to raise a generation of grateful kids, but this is where it starts, moms - with us. Often we get so focused on our child's lack of contentment, we lose sight of our own personal struggle to embrace the family, complete with the unique personalities, we've been given.

God has revealed to me this very thing, especially in the arena of my children's personal challenges. I find myself comparing my precious boys to my friends' compliant children who learn easily and sit quietly; children who don't have ADHD, ODD -children who don't struggle with discontentment.

In our new book, Triggers: Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses, Amber Lia and I examine many of the things our children do and say, or simply the facets of their personalities that wear us down and set us off.

While we didn't write a chapter on discontentment, it absolutely fits. It's a trigger!

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Though the book has already gone to print, I continue to learn more about the triggers here in my heart and home, and how the Lord wants to grow me into a gracious mom in the face of each unique set of circumstances. I'm learning anew that my boys' challenges challenge me. However, here's what I know above all else: we are not to be controlled by their childish behavior, but controlled instead by the Spirit of God at work in our mothering lives.

So what's the key to changing in this regard? We must focus on our own contentment rather than their lack. And as we model this personal self-control, and joy in all circumstances, there is a chance that they will join us in the transformation process.

And that's what we've wanted all along - their maturity. But God is ever focused on maturing us first. Always us first, if the apple is to ever resemble the tree.

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I know we get exhausted and stressed, but let's slow things down and consider this before we explode next time: the victim always tries to blame something or someone externally - the ones pushing their buttons - but anger comes up and out of the heart of a human - from deep within. Moms explode because of what's happening on their insides, not what's assailing them from the outside.

Though the discontented cries of our little people seem to fly at us all day long, it is our own hearts that prove most difficult to train. And so we turn our focus today to our own lack of gratitude for what we've been given by the hand of a kind and purposeful God!

I often tell my big kid, "Honey, contentment is being happy with what you already have." Over and over again, day after day, I speak these true words over him. Today, I'm preaching them back to myself. And to you.

Because we are not victims, we're moms! Blessed, blessed, over and abundantly blessed.

Here is a scripture to memorize and believe today, if you struggle with discontentment: "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." (Psalm 90:14, NIV)

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In the new book, Triggers: Exchanging Parent’s Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses, we've included an entire chapter on raising strong-willed children, and another on raising kids with diagnosable challenges such as ADHD and ODD, developmental delays and learning disabilities.

If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if the things that challenge your children challenge you, and if you find yourself yelling and overcome by shame, order your copy of Triggers today.

I’ll continue speaking to this issue of Mommy-Anger in the days ahead. Just click here to add your email and you’ll receive these articles directly in your inbox!

You are not a victim, you're a mom

I sat beside her at the public swimming pool, her little ones in the shallow wearing water wings, mine canon-balling off the high dive. We were wading into the metaphorical deep-end ourselves, talking about the hard stuff, that chlorine scented afternoon. She was exasperated, worn out. Her frustrations bordered anger, and she felt great shame over her emotions - still they flooded.

Picking up a damp towel nearby, she wiped her face then said, "I think that I'm most upset that my children ruin my plans each day. And not just my plans for the day, but my plans of being a good mom. They ruin it no matter what I do. They ruin all of the meals I serve by hating what I've made and crying at the table. They ruin our trips to the park and our playdates with friends by throwing fits when it's time to go. I plan so much fun, and they ruin it all by demanding more or different. And I guess, if I'm honest, they ruin my dreams of what my family would be like. I had such good dreams. I've dreamt of being a mom for so long, now here I am and there aren't any peaceful, happy tuck-ins, no Bible reading at the breakfast table - not without more fits! Everyday I'm disappointed, frustrated, and angry. I feel abused! Some days I just want to throw in the towel." And she did throw down the tattered towel in her hands, with a pathetic little moan.

I smiled, leaned in, and hugged her. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but as she shared I believed she spoke the unspoken emotions of many moms in many homes today.

We feel like victims.

You are not a victim, you're a mom!

In the quite morning hours, when God's mercies are new, I know that I am not a victim, I'm simply a mom.

The same is true for my young friend, and the same is true for you.

Still, we find ourselves forgetting by mid-afternoon, hiding in the pantry with a handful of chocolate chips.

So, here's a question for you: Do you take everything personally? Maybe you don't mean too, but do you REACT as though you're the victim... all the time? And do you retreat behind your phone, in your pantry, in your anger, in this victim mentality each day?

Your husband comes home from work late... and you're the victim. Your children don't like what you cooked for dinner... and you're the victim. The kids can't find their shoes, their socks, their backpacks... and you're the victim. Your gifts weren't well received this Christmas... and you're the victim. You planed a cookie making afternoon with friends, and it's just a mess and the kids would rather tear up the toy room... and you're the victim.

It seems ridiculous when typed out like a confessional. But does this resonate at all?

Ladies, here in the stillness of this simple blog post, let me remind us both that we aren't victims... we're moms. Thwarted expectations are part and parcel when taking care of a family full of real live little people. It's hard, yes, but the majority of us are not abused.

Your children don't wake up in the middle of the night and gather round the baby's crib to plot ways to dash your dreams and destroy your day. They aren't contriving fevers, or purposing fits -though it does sometimes feel that way. They are simply being children, and they need you to simply keep on being mom.

Still, you're overwhelmed because you're feeling all the feelings. I know. So let me encourage you as I did this sweet mama with three kiddos under four, "Roll with the punches and go with the flow today, in the midst of the messy mundane. And on the big days too, when you've planned a trip to Disneyland and everyone's crying, keep putting one faithful foot in front of the other. Whatever your lot, choose to believe today what is noble and true, what is lovely and worthy of praise... and I'll be doing the same from my home with my children, as I whisper these words to myself, "You are not a victim, you're a mom."

The goal each day is faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love. And victims have a miserable time loving gently and lavishly.

We're not victims, we're moms.

Blessings upon us, every one,

Wen

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If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if you find yourself yelling at your little ones, feeling like a victim, then weighed down by shame, I encourage to order a copy of Triggers: Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses today. There is also the Triggers Study Guide, purposed to take you deeper in God's transforming Word! Ladies, this book has been a game changer for moms like you and me.

I'll continue speaking to this issue of Mommy-Anger in the weeks ahead. If you would like to receive this series directly to your inbox, sign up here!

Here's more of our on-going series, You Are Not a Victim, You're a Mom:

For part 2 in our series, My Child's Discontentment Makes Me Discontent, click here.

For part 3, Pray First, Ask Questions Later, go here.

For part 4, Parenting with Compassion - Not Passion, link over here.

For part 5, TRIGGERS, head here.

For part 6, Mommy time out, click here.

For part 7, Authoritarian Parenting, go here.

For part 8, Fast and Pray, Sweet Mom, head here.

Part 9, Whatever is true, is here.

Part 10, When Mom Needs a Good Cry, Cry Out, click here.

Part 11, What Does Parenting Have to Do With The Gospel? Read this one.

TRIGGERS: Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responses, was co-authored by Wendy Speake and Amber Lia.

Search me O God at Christmastime - day 15 - holiday haiku

Welcome to day 15 of our Holiday Haiku Challenge Today our challenge is to pen a haiku inspired by Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139:23-24)

A Heart Like His by Katie M. Reid

Matthew 2:1-4 “After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, ‘Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.’ When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Messiah was to be born.”

About a month ago I learned something new about Herod through our Precept bible study on Matthew. “Herod was an Edomite who bore the title, ‘King of the Jews.’ Edomites were descendants of Esau, the brother of Jacob” (pg. 11, Precept Ministries International, Matthew Part 1, Lesson 1).

Remember how Esau gave up his birthright to Jacob for some stew? (See Genesis 25:29-34 and Genesis 27). Esau forfeited his future position for a here-today-gone-tomorrow portion. So, since Herod was an Edomite, he did not have the same royal security as King David’s line did—the line of blessing from which Jacob came.

Psalm 89:3-4 “You said, ‘I have made a covenant with my chosen one, I have sworn to David my servant, I will establish your line forever and make your throne firm through all generations.’”

The news of the Messiah’s birth was a major threat to Herod’s comfort and crown.

When Herod, the current King of the Jews, heard from the Magi that another had been born King of the Jews, he was disturbed. His insecurity rose and turned to contempt as his high position was threatened.

In Herod’s fury, using his current authority, he killed.

Matthew 2:16 “When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.”

I don’t want a heart like Herod’s.

When I compare or feel threatened by others I want to quickly exchange my hardened heart with the knowledge of my royal position— found in Christ. When I let envy rule, I lose footing on the platform that I’ve constructed in the kingdom of self.

My security topples when I try to reign in areas that aren’t rightfully mine. My anger surges as I view others as a threat instead of a treasure.

No, I don't want a heart like Herod's... I want a heart like His.

He is the One that wise men came to worship. The One sent to save us from hard hearts of sin. The One wrapped in swaddling clothes then stripped and whipped on our behalf—that we could unwrap His grace through ripped flesh.

Jesus, Messiah—worthy of honor, glory and power (see Revelation 4:11).

I want to be a wise woman who passes by the here-today-gone-tomorrow portions, and positions herself in worship at the feet of the King of Kings.

With Grace, Katie

Katie M. Reid is a tightly wound woman, of the recovering perfectionist variety, who fumbles to receive and extend grace in everyday moments. She delights in her hubby, four children (and one on the way) and their life in ministry. Through her writing, singing, speaking and photography she encourages others to find grace in the unraveling of life.

Katie is a contributing writer for God-sized Dreams, iBelieve and Purposeful Faith.

Connect with Katie at katiemreid.com and on Twitter and Facebook.

Because we all end up bowed down, low to the ground, eventually

My posture these days is running, standing, and going. My posture is muscular and active -  throwing people and priorities out of the way and out of my day because the school bell is set to ring. There's very little slowing down and kneeling down and falling down prostrate on the floor in quiet surrender because... well... Life.  

There is no time to fill up our souls with God's beauty before the sun rises - before my sons rise - and so we rush into life lacking beauty. Beauty within and beauty flowing out into the lives of our little people. We throw make-up on our faces at stoplights, but we can't cake it on thick enough that it eeks it's way down through our pores and into our souls. True beauty doesn't work that way. It's got to start deep within, and work it's way up and out. But we're living lives that are much too busy for such things.

Hurried, harried, and horrible: they go together. But hurried and holy rarely co-exist.

Holy and hallowed and hushed, now those are true companions.

They meet together in the morning hours before the sun steals past the beauty of dawn. We need to join them there.

We need to fellowship with the Holy One - slowing down, sitting down, and coming down off our cram-packed agendas to seek Him on the floor.

On the floor.

Because that's where every person is going to end up, eventually. Either on purpose, prostrating oneself in worship, intentionally in the morning hours; or at night in a tearful puddle; or, and this is a frightening thought, they're going to find themselves on the ground like the discarded branch that's not bearing fruit - cut off and cast down.

Live in me, and I will live in you. A branch cannot produce any fruit by itself. It has to stay attached to the vine. In the same way, you cannot produce fruit unless you live in me. "I am the vine. You are the branches. Those who live in me while I live in them will produce a lot of fruit. But you can't produce anything without me. Whoever doesn't live in me is thrown away like a branch and dries up. Branches like this are gathered, thrown into a fire, and burned. (John 15:4-6)

Thrown away, cast aside, thrown down...

We're going to end up on the ground, on our knees, on our bellies, forehead indented by dusty carpet strands or pressed against cool linoleum floors. Prostrate.

Eventually.

And the choice of how we get there is what we call freewill.

Starting with Him each day, it's what we want. Seems to me it ought to be easier, but... life.

Life.

Somehow that word is always our excuse.

But a beautiful faith-filled, honey-dripping life is what we're after, and it is found at dawn.

When we rush past the quiet morning moments and into demanding days, we are not the only ones to suffer.

The precious people in our lives bear the stretch marks of our stretched out hectic days. Hollering isn't Holy. But what else can we expect if we're not abiding, remaining, living in Him? We throw retroactive prayers up after unholy mornings that whirl past us in a haze. "Lord, forgive me. Lord, don't let me screw this family up. Lord, transform me!

But we forget that transformation isn't a retroactive wave of a magic wand - transformation takes place preemptively and prostrate. First place and foremost. Transformation into a thing of beauty starts with this sort of proactive surrender. It takes humility, on our knees and on the floor and on the offense... daily before dawn.

Because life... life is full of fragile beauty, cased in the soft skin of relationships. Our love relationship with the vine, and our love relationship with our people. We need to prostrate ourselves in the hushed and hallowed hallways of our predawn homes, or we will end up flat on the floor in tearful confession for lacking beauty come nighttime.

[Tweet "We need to prostrate ourselves in the hushed and hallowed hallways of our predawn homes, or we will end up flat on the floor in tearful confession for lacking beauty come nighttime."]

We try everything else first, don't we? Staying calm in our own strength. Arm-wrestling our way to patience and self-control. We are well-intentioned Christian Women. But the truth is simply this: Good intentions won't do a thing without Holy Spirit power backing them up. We can't push ourselves through to transformation unless we hit the floor and hit our knees first thing everyday.

Because we're going to end up there, don't you know it? On the floor. One way or another.

Don't you get tired of turning to God retroactively?

I don't want to confess my sins at the end of another long and losing mothering day. Not anymore! I'm tired of the sameness of defeat.

Shouldn't we rather start with Him? Confessing our need from the beginning, rather than ending with tear stained confessions?

You see how that works? Because either way we are going to confess Him! Either way we're Hitting the floor and either way we're confessing our need for Him. So which will it be? Proactively? Or retroactively, at the end of another defeated day?

Let's confess our need for His strength upfront, as to avoid confessing our need for forgiveness on the backside of each hard day.

I want to learn to worship God on the floor before the sunrise, before my sons rise. Because I'm going to hit the hardwood at some point today.

"...at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:10-11)

Bowed down, good and low, before the glory of God the Father.

Over-Stimulated Children - Over-Stimulated Mom

I walked into the sterile room with florescent lights, and draped an extra blanket over the top of my sleeping baby's stroller. Only four weeks old, he slept most of every day (thoughtfully preserving his strength for our midnight bonding sessions). We waited so long for the pediatrician I eventually fell asleep in the exam room's plastic blue chair, slumped over like a worn rag doll. When the doctor walked in I startled awake and smiled awkwardly. He nodded like I wasn't the first new mom to doze off waiting on him.  

Over the next ten minutes he asked me a litany of questions about how the baby was sleeping and feeding and pooping. He worked his way through a clip-board list of details and when he finished his questions (but before rousing my baby to count his fingers and toes) he asked me two surprising questions. First, he asked me if I'd yet had a date with my husband since the birth. I said no, of course, the child was only one month old after all. So he wrote me a prescription for a date night and placed it in my hand. "Take one of these a month, once a week is even better, but in the very least once a month. I'll check in on you at your son's three month check up. This is for your health. It's just one of the thing that you and your husband need to do to have a healthy marriage... therefore it's what your son needs too. And I'm his Doctor."

[Tweet "Children need their parents to date."]

Then came the Doctor's second question. "Did you hang a mobile over your baby's crib?"

"Of course."

"Does is have bright colors, flashing lights and a happy melody?" He prodded deeper, writing down my answers.

"Yes," I proudly nodded.

He then jotted down another note upon his prescription pad and handed it to me.

"Take down the mobile until your child is 9 months old."

I read it then laughed aloud, surprised.

My baby's doctor laughed with me because he was a jovial man with a loud tie, and crumbs on his mustache, then fell quiet. "Your child has had nothing exciting him for nine long months. Nothing but warm, quiet, rest. Just the right environment for a baby to grow in, don't you agree? Then suddenly their born into the bright lights of this big world and we immediately want to stimulate and entertain them constantly. But they have their whole lives ahead of them for that. How about, instead, you just give this little guy nine more peaceful months? Just nine more months of dim lights without bells and whistles? Doesn't that sound relaxing?"

Exhausted, I couldn't help but agree.

A year or two later, when my first-born was still very young and his little brother was the newborn, I read an article about the benefits and dangers of TV watching for young children. The one point that stuck with me most built upon the advice of my children's pediatrician. It spoke of over-stimulating our children's minds.  Most television shows (and gaming devices too) can over-stimulate a child because of how quick and constant the visual images change. Quick edits back and forth between scenes, color and sound flashing and popping, zooming in and zooming out, then cutting over to another exciting close-up followed by a whole new song and dance… a toddler’s eyes and brain bounce around so fast their little beings get all shook up!

And then we ask them to stay still in our laps as we read them a quiet story, sit still at the dinner table for a calm meal, remain by our side as we walk to the park, and look us in the eye when they answer our questions… but they’re still bouncing!

And we can too.

Just the way that funny old man gave me a prescription for my own health before he wrote one out for my child, I want to encourage you to protect your own body and mind from over-stimulation during this exhausting season.

[Tweet "A mom must guard her own quiet heart before she can tend to her over-stimulated children."]

Do you ever feel like your children are constantly pushing your buttons until the sirens go off and you start hollering? Their wrong behavior, constant crying, hitting, complaining, needing snacks, mess making, nap fighting… is your undoing. However, what if they’re not really trying to push your buttons at all? What if your buttons are just all stressed out because you’re over-stimulated and over-tired? Maybe your buttons are super-sensitive because they need more dark hours every day. Maybe you need some more time in a less-stimulating environment so that you can stay calm and kind and respond the right way. Maybe you’re just over-stimulated.

  Some days I bounce between my never ending to-do list – dropping older children off at school, running to the library with the littles for story-hour, then to the grocery store before naps, then home to change out another load of laundry before getting lunch and tucking the baby into bed. Coming downstairs, tripping over Legos, the preschoolers and I dive into making homemade bubbles, then we trace letters together, followed by a show so I can prep dinner and fold some clothes and make a call and wake the baby to go get the big kids from school. Then off to soccer practice, and doling out snacks for the little ones while the big ones play. Hurrying home for dinner making, with the sound of the television in the background. Dinner and devotionals at the table, but everyone’s bouncing and talking and complaining and so I get angry! Exhausted physically and emotionally. But more than anything else… I'm simply over-stimulated.

So what can be done when children need to get to school and soccer practice and you have preschoolers wanting to play and a baby needing a nap and another trip to the grocery store that must be made? How do we keep ourselves resting in quiet spaces, when there aren't any? No quiet. No space? We must make some, carve out and protect it.

Three ways to cultivate quiet hearts in the over-stimulating season of motherhood

Sound -- Keep the music and the tvs turned off for most the day. That constant background hum isn't white noise, lulling us to sleep, but a static buzz crossing our signals and keeping us agitated. Want to listen to music in the car? Go for it! Want a movie with your husband after the kids go down? Enjoy it! But don't let the noise fill every crevice all day long. I'm exhausted just thinking of it.

Devices -- Our eyes and minds can bounce and grow weary just like our children's. Close your laptop and set down your phone. Try not to look at a screen in the first 30 minutes of waking, or for at least 30 minutes before you close your eyes for the night. The images flash and stimulate your brain... But you need deep sleep so that you can be ready to love your people again fresh tomorrow. So power off and sleep well.

Quiet Time with the Lord -- Just as our children need a break from fast-paced images, the constant going, sights and sounds, entertainment and consumption, and learn to simply rest in the quiet of their rooms for a little while each day… so do we. The opposite of over-stimulated is resting. Rest. Be still and know the Prince of Peace. Peace is where a soul can grow into maturity. Therefore, daily, purposefully find time and space to meet with Him, talk with Him, and hear from Him. He brings us down, swaddles us tight, and removes the mobile from our ever moving lives.

When our children get over-stimulated they can be little terrors, no doubt. But when we are over-stimulated, agitated on the inside, we can be the most terrible of all. Therefore, we must learn to find balance in the quiet places of our faith lives, though our family lives are busy. We must learn to cultivate quiet spaces in our daily routines without the constant buzz of podcasts and Pandora. We must turn off the stimulating mobiles, ever spinning over our heads and hyping us up. Without the peace and quiet we simply continue to bounce and explode. Like bullets ricocheted between two over-stimulated toddlers. But we're the adults, and our toddlers need us calm.

Let us learn with our children to turn off the background music, the devices, and the car… and be home… and be still… and be calm.

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This blog post is part of a series written for moms who struggle with anger in their homes, with their young children. We're currently talking our way through the most common TRIGGERS that set us off. Join the conversation on the private Facebook page, "No More Angry MOB".