Defining humble

I was taught years ago that the word humble means low to the ground. Perhaps I got that from Charlotte's Web. Yes, I think that's it. Of course, since the time that elegant spider spun her theology lesson into my heart I've read all the dictionary definitions and still think this "low to the ground" word picture sums it up best.

Humble.

Prostrate.

Low to the ground.

And yet, humility isn't a self-deprecating, self-loathing, self-abasing sort of thing. Infact there's very little "self" focus at all, in the heart of the truly humble. Kneeling beside the vastness and grandeur of an omnipotent and yet personal God, who knows the hungry child in Africa, and the divorcee struggling with shame just down the pew; kneeling low is where we catch a view of His expansive greatness. The radical power of God, who shook off the lofty glories of heaven to rescue every sinner in need of grace, bending low to deliver His Salvation. And so we bend low.

Yes, I bend low.

Humbled.

Standing in our backyard last night, exactly two weeks after my dear friend Amber Lia and I launched our book Triggers out into the world, I watched God paint a fresh masterpiece across the skyline. Alone in the quiet, a damp kitchen towel still in my hands, the sound of my children shooting hoops out front, it occurred to me that God, in his omni-present power, was simultaneously at work beyond my horizon too - bringing His creative brilliance to every inch of every galaxy known and unknown, far beyond the orange hues of my limited view and comprehension.

It was all too big for the smallness of me.

I've only an inkling of His great bigness, and the might of His outstretched arm. Still, what I do know, has the power to raise me up in faith, yet keeps me ever low. I live in this paradox of a lifted up / bowed down life.

Two weeks, 16 days, and thousands of copies of  Triggers later, and the only word that begins to express my emotions is humbled. And the part of it all that keeps me lowest to the ground, are the testimonies of transformation we're receiving each day - whether on Amazon or in our private inboxes.

Because God is doing something so obviously BIG, I can't help but feel small. It's much too much for me.

As a matter of fact, there have been times these past couple of weeks that I've felt like a fraud in the face of it all, because I know my own on-going sin-tendencies. I know my heart struggles and my home struggles. I could go into detail of my continued shortcomings, and confess, like the apostle Paul, to doing the things I don't want to do. But I'm not going to say all that today - because that isn't where true humility resides. The point isn't putting ourselves down, focusing on our failures (though they are many) but recognizing from that down-low position, the great big saving hand of a faithful God.

Oh, He is big! And His big love is continually made strong in our on-going weaknesses. And so today, I lift my head in praise, because He is doing some heavy lifting in the lives of women. And I am humbled, so very humbled and pleased, to be near enough to this work that He is doing, to see Him move.

Humbled,

Wendy

PS - I leave you with an Amazon testimony below, written by a woman named Sheryl, WHO EXPERIENCED THE  GREAT-BIG STRENGTH OF THE GOSPEL IN THE PAGES OF OUR LITTLE BOOK!

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"I tire of Christian mommy self-help books. I've been introduced to quite a few through the M.O.M.S. group at our church, Facebook moms' groups and recommendations from friends. I've read and enjoyed a few, and I've enjoyed the conversation that a few a them spurred in my groups. But I tire of their step-by-step messages of how to fix this and do that better. I tire of their subtle guilt-inducing yet pandering and condescendingly sugary message, as if I am a tender thing to be coddled while a list of my failings is laid before me. I know they mean well, and some of them even contain the truth...somewhere. While I reject their trite offerings of an easy fix, I am ever aware that this mothering thing I'm doing is hard, that I'm failing at it in significant ways, and that there must be hope for doing it right, loving my little ones well, growing in grace.

This is not one of those books.

I've seen reviewers call this book honest, practical, biblical, and helpful, and it is all of those things. But this is not why I love this book. What Amber and Wendy have done for parents is beautiful and far beyond self-help or practical advice. You will not find in this book a message of sticky-sweet guilt accompanied by a list of things to do, quotes to pin on your mirror, and charts to make everything better. What you will find is the gospel, sometimes spoken in brutal honesty, but also in tender grace and humility.

See, the thing that tires me about all of those other books is that I know, to the core of my being, that I cannot just set my mind to be a good mom and make it all come out roses. I am weak, and I am a sinner, and I fail. I can memorize your list of alliterated correct responses to my triggers and somehow call that to mind when it seems like all the world is crumbling around me, but that won't save me, change me, or grow gentleness in me. That is the point of the gospel, and that is on glorious display in this book.

Whether you recognize a struggle with anger in your parenting or not, this book is an excellent resource. I don't know that I have ever read a better display of sanctification in progress. This is how it works. This is how God works- through prayerful repentance, humility, and the power of His Word. I started reading thinking I would pick out a few triggers that apply to me and breeze through the rest of it, but it turned out that every chapter arrested me. These are not easy or flippant answers; no cheerleading; this is truth and I think I can breathe again." (Sheryl)

parenting with authority vs. authoritarian parenting

Welcome to Part seven of our series, "You Are Not a Victim, You're a Mom."Today we're talking about our PARENTAL POWER! Actually, that's not entirely true. We're talking about the victim tendency to feel powerless - and the desperate and destructive ways we grasp for that ever elusive power.

Perhaps you're on that teeter-totter, with your belly doing flip flops all day long. One moment you're up, enjoying the view, parenting well, feeling stable and secure, but then suddenly you plummet... losing your sense of power and purpose all over again.

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He threw his scooter down, clenched his fists and cried big tears. All 52 pounds of him was tense and ready for battle, as he tilted his chiseled little chin and dared me to make him.

I took a deep breath then repeated in gentle tones, "Son, it's time to come in and clean up for dinner."

"It's not fair! I was at school all day. I just want to play! I'm not going come in now and I won't."

"I'm not going to... and I won't!" Doesn't that just about sum up the strong-willed child?

And with that he collapsed into a puddle of tears and snot, right there on the asphalt in our driveway. He kicked his helmet to the curb, flopped onto his back, and wailed over the injustice of it all.

Of course, when I take this singular event out of the context of our very full life, I can smirk. Watching him transform into an emotional mess over having to wash his hands and come to the table is actually a little humorous. Bless his heart - all the drama! He's a child, after all, just being childish - and he needs the long-suffering heart of a mother, to keep help him on his road to maturity.

I can do that.

I can do that.

I can handle it!

What I mean to say is: I know how to handle it. Intellectually. One mothering moment at a time.

I know that good mothering requires kind compassion and calm confidence during these stress-filled moments. I know that good parenting is rich with words that build a child up, in order to help them discover their own strength to do the right thing. I know that I am not a victim when they throw a fit, I'm just a mom. Unfortunately, all that good head knowledge melts away in the hours preceding dinner and bedtime, because, sometimes, this mom gets worn out too. And as I lose my physical and emotional strength, I lose my sense of parental strength. That's right, you know where I'm going... victims tend to feel powerless.

angry man -authoritarian

When exhaustion sets in and multi-tasking makes a mother's weary head spin, that one kid isn't just one kid, but one of many brothers, and that one melt-down isn't just one melt-down, but a string of strong-willed fits ricocheting back and forth between children all afternoon. And dinner's getting cold and there's no way I can get the oldest to karate tonight if my husband doesn't make it home from work soon...

The pressure starts to mount and my strength begins to wain.

However, I stay calm and collected, as I walk to the littlest of my children, still splayed across the driveway. I put my hand on his cheek and tell him that I know he's able to get his things picked up and come in. I remind him of his own strength to keep on doing right.

Miracle of miracles he believes my encouragement, hugs me, asks for forgiveness and goes to gather his things.

Just then the sound of my other two boys, arguing in the garage over who was supposed to take the trash bags up the driveway, works like the proverbial straw that broke this Mama's back. I come undone, in an instant.

Heat floods my face. Tears prick my eyes.

In that one moment, I decide (without really thinking it through) that I've had enough. My last good moment of parenting is behind me for the night! I glare at the older two, tell them, "I don't want to hear about it! Both of you grab a trash bag and take them up to the street then clean up for dinner! And if you argue again, you can just..." That's when I stop parenting and start threatening!

That's what we do when we lose our sense of God-given authority to parent well - we stop parenting and start threatening. And that's exactly what happened that sad afternoon I stormed into my house to reheat the chicken.

There at the microwave, watching the pyrex dish circle round and round, I melted into a bigger, uglier puddle than the one my child had made just a few short mothering moments before.

I stood there feeling powerless, shoulders slumped and slightly shaking, as all the good parenting head knowledge collected at my feet.

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Here are three things I discovered about personal parental power.

1) Almost always, inappropriate displays of power explode from feelings of powerlessness. 

Moms seldom lash out when they have a secure sense of their own authority. It is from that place that we must parent one good, solid, kind, right, loving moment at a time. Though the storm clouds continue to threaten and the waves toss us hither and yon as the sun sinks low, we know the One who calms the sea. He is the God who put us at the helm of our home each mothering day. A healthy understanding of our God-given role allows us to remain calm and controlled when our children continue to be children... When we lose sight of our true role (to parent) we begin feeling like victims.

2) All the good head knowledge in the world will fail you if you don't have a plan to parent right when they're behaving wrong.

What does being the authority in your home actually look like during the stressful moments? While authoritarian parenting is all about quick obedience and harsh consequences, parenting with a healthy sense of one's God-given authority looks like one mature, loving choice after another, all day long - and sometimes through the nighttime hours too. Let me suggest, here and now, that you choose just one recurring conflict in your home, and decide (in this moment of peace,) with the help of your good mothering head-knowledge, how you want to respond from here on out? The plan is simple, moms and dads, but first you must make a plan!

3) Study God's calm and kind approach to parenting.

Again and again we see God parent His people Israel, not as an angry, punishing authoritarian, but as a loving father concerned about His children's slow-growing spiritual maturity. Over and over again He reaches out to them with covenant promises of love. Even in their discipline, when they are removed to painful "time outs," He reminds them of His love, and the overwhelming promise that God the Father desires an intimate and ongoing, right relationship with His kids. God uses His parental power appropriately, not to chase us away - but to chase us down! This is redemption!

Of course, we cannot save our kids, where true salvation is concerned, but we can emulate our Heavenly Father by parenting just like Him... with a calm and kind, long-suffering sense of our role as parents - one mothering moment at a time.

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Our current series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom" is inspired by the new book TRIGGERS: Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses.  If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if you find yourself yelling at your little ones, feeling like a victim, and weighed down by shame, I encourage to order your copy of Triggers today. I’ll continue speaking to this confusing issue of Mommy-Anger in the weeks ahead. If you'd like to receive this series directly to your inbox, click here!

Sometimes you just need a "Mommy time-out"

Welcome to part six in our series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom."

Today we're sitting down and calming down and writing down a better response! That's right, we're talking about the power of a Mommy Time-Out!

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When You're Feeling Abused by Your Little People and Are About to Explode - Try Putting Yourself in Time-Out!

ding ding ding - Send yourself to your corner... 

I've written before about lovingly sending our children to their rooms when they're all itchy-twitchy looking for a fight. (You can read about it here) Giving your children some minutes (or hours) in their rooms to calm down and relax isn't an angry disciplinary tactic... it's a gift when given correctly. Gently, we take them by the hand and say, "This isn't working. You aren't being kind to your brothers or to me right now. You get to have some quiet time in your room so that you don't hurt your relationship with us. I know that when I call you to come out you will feel so much better and be able to do a great job being calm and kind again."

How about you, dear mom? Wouldn't you love for me to ring the bell when you've accepted their invitation to fight? Wouldn't you like me to throw the towel down on the mat, take you by the weary hand, and walk you quietly to your room? I'd firmly, but lovingly, instruct you to enjoy some quiet play for half an hour.  "You can work on a puzzle, look through your picture books, or do some coloring at your desk. I'm sure when I call you out you will be able to do a great job being calm and kind again."

Yes, please! Somebody please give me a time-out!

Unfortunately, putting yourself in a mommy time-out before you lose your cool takes great gobs of self-discipline. And, really, if we had a bit more self-discipline to begin with we likely wouldn't be reading a series about mommy-anger.  (Can I get an Amen?) If you are in a vicious and ugly cycle of angry reactions towards your children when they are being... children, it's time we learn to muscle through our knee-jerk tendencies with a little self-control. Just enough self-control to get ourselves into a quiet place for a few minutes! When we learn to pull away and take a few breaths, we just might remember what is true.

Hold every thought captive and remember what is true, lovely, pure... 

Whatever it takes, moms, no matter how we feel mid-afternoon, we've got to master this pulling away in order to get a handle on ourselves again.

I've spent the past few weeks reading (and rereading and rereading...) Colossians 3. Today this verse in the Amplified translation gave me a clear directive:  "But now rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, malice, slander, and obscene (abusive, filthy, vulgar) language from your mouth." (Col 3:8)

Have you ever gotten so worked up that you've cussed at your kids? Perhaps blame and shame is more your angry dialect. Or maybe you just mumble one long negative thread of self-talk over yourself all day long. Or you're the mom who's quick to complain when she's out on the cul de sac with all the other ladies and their kids - giving into "foolish talk".

If you aren't prone to abusive, filthy, vulgar language, perhaps, like me, this verse makes you stop, convicted: "Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving." (Eh. 5:4)

Moms, no matter what brand of ugly words you spew in your weakest moments, our call is to "...take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor. 10:5b) That must happen before the thoughts can take root and bear fruit as real destructive words. We need to pull them out by the root! And, in their stead, plant truth. Yes, we've got to actively and purposefully pull away in those stress filled moment to fill our minds and mouths with thoughts and theories that are noble and right, edifying and true.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Phil. 5:8)

And the amazing thing that happens when we put ourselves in a mommy time out, in order to meditate on what is true, is that our hearts get all filled up with truth... and we overflow with all that good stuff.

"...from the heart the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:48)

My favorite quote from the parenting book Triggers is "Figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean." Amber Lia and I then went a step further in our follow-up book Parenting Scripts, when we took you from gentle principles to practical help. In Parenting Scripts we encourage you to slow down, sit down, and write down a better response. If you want to know what Amber Lia and I each say in our homes to our kids, grab a copy of Parenting Scripts today. 

And a mommy time-out is just what you need to craft some better, gentler, more loving responses for those triggered moments. 

 If this series is resonating with you, start at the beginning or sign up to have this ongoing series delivered directly to your email inbox. And repeat after me, "I am not a victim, I'm a mom." Now go out there and mom today, because momming is a verb. It's not just who you are, it's what you do! 

Triggers

Welcome to part five of our series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom!"Today we're talking about Triggers! Those things your children do that cause you to explode.

Do you believe your struggle with anger stems from your children's wrong behavior? I know how easy it is to play that victim card!

"If you would just listen, I wouldn't have to yell to get your attention!"

They do something, say something - or don't do and say what you've asked them to. They push your buttons and trigger in you a terrible reaction.

"If only they would behave right, I wouldn't have to behave so wrong!"

Yes, that's it! We need someone to write a book and tell us how to get them to behave, so that we can too! Make it a book full of simple solutions to help our children honor and obey,

sit quietly at the table,

stay in bed after they're tucked in,

stack their shoes neatly by the door,

use inside voices,

and not throw grocery store fits!

Triggers: Exchanging Parent's Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses is not that book.

My dear friend, Amber Lia and I did write a book, and it is all about the things our children do that make us angry. However, and this is key, we believe that God is more concerned with our maturity than our children's lack of maturity. After all, they are the children and we are the adults. Therefore, Triggers is focused 99.9% on retraining the parent's heart, rather than the heart of the child.

Amber and I have found that parents' knee-jerk reactions and blow-ups are often a direct result of a bigger set of “triggers.” Some of these are external, like their child’s disobedience, backtalk, or selective hearing, while others are internal, like an overflowing schedule, sleep-deprivation, or perhaps a mom or dad's own painful experiences from childhood. Those deep seeded hurts can flare up in an unholy minute!

Triggers: Exchanging Parent’s Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses examines these common parenting issues that cause us to explode inappropriately at our children. Moving beyond simple parenting tips about how to change your child’s behavior, Triggers offer biblical insight and practical tools to equip and encourage you on the journey away from anger-filled reactions toward gentle, Biblical responses.

Triggers offers 31 short, consumable chapters to help you tackle one problem area a day over the course of a month. And since each chapter is listed by topic, it's easy to turn back to this book as a resource again and again.

If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if you find yourself yelling at your little ones, feeling like a victim, and weighed down by shame, you’re not alone. We've written this book just for you. TRIGGERS: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responses addresses the things our children do, along with the internal pressures of motherhood, that trigger in us angry reactions rather than gentle Biblical responses.

Order your copy of Triggers  on Amazon. Or hop on over to AmberandWendy.com to order the video bundle so that we can walk you and your friends through the material together.

Wendy & Amber

Parenting with compassion - not passion

Welcome to part four of our series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom." Today's post is short but (bitter) sweet. However, it's a crucial step in our journey to gentle.

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We've heard it said, "Hurt people, hurt people." However, for the sake of this series, I prefer:

Victims victimize.

Perhaps you struggled through your afternoon today with a toddler refusing her nap, and a big boy melting-down over his multiplication tables; everyone left their socks on the floor and no one wants what you made for dinner. And your heart is coiled up tight like a spring that's 'bout to pop, because you're tired of the abuse. Eventually you do explode, throwing all of those wrong-doings back on your little tormentors. Yes, you pay them back tear for tear, fit for fit, complaint for complaint - abuse for abuse. Only thing is... they're not really abusing you, mom.

There are many pitiful components to this victim mentality, here in the midst of motherhood. Of course, there's the obvious grief moms experience on the backside of their anger, knowing that they've hurt their children. But long before they arrive at that sad place is this pathetic reality: all those things the children said and did, that hurt her heart and made her feel the victim, weren't grounded in reality! Though they felt like real abuse, and caused her to really lash out, they were simply children being children... being children... being children... being children... all day long.

A wise woman once said, "Your child isn't giving you a hard time, your child is having a hard time."

[Tweet "Your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time."]

But their hard time is hard on you, isn't it? I understand that. But remember this, dear mom, they're just being children, and they need you to just keep on being mom. Not a martyr, a mom. A mom who presses in then presses on - into Jesus and on into her long mothering days.

When we remember that we have been called to mother our children, moment by moment, and not march like a martyr through our days, we begin to see each challenge they present as an opportunity to parent them well. When we speak these words over ourselves throughout the days, "I am not their victim, I'm their mom" we start to see again, that they are not our enemies but our children. And as our eyes refocus on God's good gifts, as well as His good plan for mother and child, our hearts begin to soften again.

Deep breath. "I am not a victim, I'm a mom." Like a mantra.

Deep breath. "They are not my enemies, they're my children." Exhale.

Deep breath. "My children will act like children, and I must act like their loving mom..."

As this gentle self-talk works it's way down into your mom-heart, you will begin responding once again to your children with compassion rather than passion.

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Victim's have a miserable time meeting their child's tearful fits, whiney complaints, and strong-willed nature with compassion because they're so focused on the negative way their children effect their own happiness.

I'm reminded of the a book I read when I was a newlywed: Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. In those pages he posed the question, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” It was a clever question, but didn’t resonate with me at the time, as I was still euphoric in the honeymoon phase of our love affair. However, within a few short years, we had moved across the country, had three strong-willed little boys, and were both overwhelmed by the challenges of our blessed life together. It was then, a variation of the words from the cover of that book came back to me: What if God designed motherhood to make me holy rather than to make me happy? What a thought!

What a thought. What a liberating thought!

If we go through our mothering days with the false expectation that it is our children's job to make us happy (whether by their compliance, their achievements, or their agreeable personalities...) we will be PASSIONATELY disappointed - both with them and with our lives. However, if we wake up each new day with the expectation that God is more concerned with the process of making us Holy rather than happy, then we are on our way towards compassionate parenting, rather than parenting with passion.

Our kids are going to have a hard time, some time, here in the next few hours (or minutes.)  Let's remember that we're not victims, we're moms. The more we say it and believe it, the more compassion we will have to gently walk them through their childhood today.

Amen? Amen.

Click here to start of the beginning of the series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom." Or sign up to receive the rest of this series directly to your inbox.

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If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if you find yourself yelling at your little ones, feeling like a victim, and weighed down by shame, you're not alone. Authors Wendy Speake and Amber Lia have written a book just for you. TRIGGERS: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responsesaddresses the things our children do, along with the internal pressures of motherhood, that trigger in us angry reactions rather than gentle Biblical responses. Order your copy of Triggers here.