Sometimes you just need a "Mommy time-out"

Welcome to part six in our series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom."

Today we're sitting down and calming down and writing down a better response! That's right, we're talking about the power of a Mommy Time-Out!

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When You're Feeling Abused by Your Little People and Are About to Explode - Try Putting Yourself in Time-Out!

ding ding ding - Send yourself to your corner... 

I've written before about lovingly sending our children to their rooms when they're all itchy-twitchy looking for a fight. (You can read about it here) Giving your children some minutes (or hours) in their rooms to calm down and relax isn't an angry disciplinary tactic... it's a gift when given correctly. Gently, we take them by the hand and say, "This isn't working. You aren't being kind to your brothers or to me right now. You get to have some quiet time in your room so that you don't hurt your relationship with us. I know that when I call you to come out you will feel so much better and be able to do a great job being calm and kind again."

How about you, dear mom? Wouldn't you love for me to ring the bell when you've accepted their invitation to fight? Wouldn't you like me to throw the towel down on the mat, take you by the weary hand, and walk you quietly to your room? I'd firmly, but lovingly, instruct you to enjoy some quiet play for half an hour.  "You can work on a puzzle, look through your picture books, or do some coloring at your desk. I'm sure when I call you out you will be able to do a great job being calm and kind again."

Yes, please! Somebody please give me a time-out!

Unfortunately, putting yourself in a mommy time-out before you lose your cool takes great gobs of self-discipline. And, really, if we had a bit more self-discipline to begin with we likely wouldn't be reading a series about mommy-anger.  (Can I get an Amen?) If you are in a vicious and ugly cycle of angry reactions towards your children when they are being... children, it's time we learn to muscle through our knee-jerk tendencies with a little self-control. Just enough self-control to get ourselves into a quiet place for a few minutes! When we learn to pull away and take a few breaths, we just might remember what is true.

Hold every thought captive and remember what is true, lovely, pure... 

Whatever it takes, moms, no matter how we feel mid-afternoon, we've got to master this pulling away in order to get a handle on ourselves again.

I've spent the past few weeks reading (and rereading and rereading...) Colossians 3. Today this verse in the Amplified translation gave me a clear directive:  "But now rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, malice, slander, and obscene (abusive, filthy, vulgar) language from your mouth." (Col 3:8)

Have you ever gotten so worked up that you've cussed at your kids? Perhaps blame and shame is more your angry dialect. Or maybe you just mumble one long negative thread of self-talk over yourself all day long. Or you're the mom who's quick to complain when she's out on the cul de sac with all the other ladies and their kids - giving into "foolish talk".

If you aren't prone to abusive, filthy, vulgar language, perhaps, like me, this verse makes you stop, convicted: "Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving." (Eh. 5:4)

Moms, no matter what brand of ugly words you spew in your weakest moments, our call is to "...take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor. 10:5b) That must happen before the thoughts can take root and bear fruit as real destructive words. We need to pull them out by the root! And, in their stead, plant truth. Yes, we've got to actively and purposefully pull away in those stress filled moment to fill our minds and mouths with thoughts and theories that are noble and right, edifying and true.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Phil. 5:8)

And the amazing thing that happens when we put ourselves in a mommy time out, in order to meditate on what is true, is that our hearts get all filled up with truth... and we overflow with all that good stuff.

"...from the heart the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:48)

My favorite quote from the parenting book Triggers is "Figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean." Amber Lia and I then went a step further in our follow-up book Parenting Scripts, when we took you from gentle principles to practical help. In Parenting Scripts we encourage you to slow down, sit down, and write down a better response. If you want to know what Amber Lia and I each say in our homes to our kids, grab a copy of Parenting Scripts today. 

And a mommy time-out is just what you need to craft some better, gentler, more loving responses for those triggered moments. 

 If this series is resonating with you, start at the beginning or sign up to have this ongoing series delivered directly to your email inbox. And repeat after me, "I am not a victim, I'm a mom." Now go out there and mom today, because momming is a verb. It's not just who you are, it's what you do! 

Triggers

Welcome to part five of our series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom!"Today we're talking about Triggers! Those things your children do that cause you to explode.

Do you believe your struggle with anger stems from your children's wrong behavior? I know how easy it is to play that victim card!

"If you would just listen, I wouldn't have to yell to get your attention!"

They do something, say something - or don't do and say what you've asked them to. They push your buttons and trigger in you a terrible reaction.

"If only they would behave right, I wouldn't have to behave so wrong!"

Yes, that's it! We need someone to write a book and tell us how to get them to behave, so that we can too! Make it a book full of simple solutions to help our children honor and obey,

sit quietly at the table,

stay in bed after they're tucked in,

stack their shoes neatly by the door,

use inside voices,

and not throw grocery store fits!

Triggers: Exchanging Parent's Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses is not that book.

My dear friend, Amber Lia and I did write a book, and it is all about the things our children do that make us angry. However, and this is key, we believe that God is more concerned with our maturity than our children's lack of maturity. After all, they are the children and we are the adults. Therefore, Triggers is focused 99.9% on retraining the parent's heart, rather than the heart of the child.

Amber and I have found that parents' knee-jerk reactions and blow-ups are often a direct result of a bigger set of “triggers.” Some of these are external, like their child’s disobedience, backtalk, or selective hearing, while others are internal, like an overflowing schedule, sleep-deprivation, or perhaps a mom or dad's own painful experiences from childhood. Those deep seeded hurts can flare up in an unholy minute!

Triggers: Exchanging Parent’s Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses examines these common parenting issues that cause us to explode inappropriately at our children. Moving beyond simple parenting tips about how to change your child’s behavior, Triggers offer biblical insight and practical tools to equip and encourage you on the journey away from anger-filled reactions toward gentle, Biblical responses.

Triggers offers 31 short, consumable chapters to help you tackle one problem area a day over the course of a month. And since each chapter is listed by topic, it's easy to turn back to this book as a resource again and again.

If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if you find yourself yelling at your little ones, feeling like a victim, and weighed down by shame, you’re not alone. We've written this book just for you. TRIGGERS: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responses addresses the things our children do, along with the internal pressures of motherhood, that trigger in us angry reactions rather than gentle Biblical responses.

Order your copy of Triggers  on Amazon. Or hop on over to AmberandWendy.com to order the video bundle so that we can walk you and your friends through the material together.

Wendy & Amber

Parenting with compassion - not passion

Welcome to part four of our series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom." Today's post is short but (bitter) sweet. However, it's a crucial step in our journey to gentle.

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We've heard it said, "Hurt people, hurt people." However, for the sake of this series, I prefer:

Victims victimize.

Perhaps you struggled through your afternoon today with a toddler refusing her nap, and a big boy melting-down over his multiplication tables; everyone left their socks on the floor and no one wants what you made for dinner. And your heart is coiled up tight like a spring that's 'bout to pop, because you're tired of the abuse. Eventually you do explode, throwing all of those wrong-doings back on your little tormentors. Yes, you pay them back tear for tear, fit for fit, complaint for complaint - abuse for abuse. Only thing is... they're not really abusing you, mom.

There are many pitiful components to this victim mentality, here in the midst of motherhood. Of course, there's the obvious grief moms experience on the backside of their anger, knowing that they've hurt their children. But long before they arrive at that sad place is this pathetic reality: all those things the children said and did, that hurt her heart and made her feel the victim, weren't grounded in reality! Though they felt like real abuse, and caused her to really lash out, they were simply children being children... being children... being children... being children... all day long.

A wise woman once said, "Your child isn't giving you a hard time, your child is having a hard time."

[Tweet "Your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time."]

But their hard time is hard on you, isn't it? I understand that. But remember this, dear mom, they're just being children, and they need you to just keep on being mom. Not a martyr, a mom. A mom who presses in then presses on - into Jesus and on into her long mothering days.

When we remember that we have been called to mother our children, moment by moment, and not march like a martyr through our days, we begin to see each challenge they present as an opportunity to parent them well. When we speak these words over ourselves throughout the days, "I am not their victim, I'm their mom" we start to see again, that they are not our enemies but our children. And as our eyes refocus on God's good gifts, as well as His good plan for mother and child, our hearts begin to soften again.

Deep breath. "I am not a victim, I'm a mom." Like a mantra.

Deep breath. "They are not my enemies, they're my children." Exhale.

Deep breath. "My children will act like children, and I must act like their loving mom..."

As this gentle self-talk works it's way down into your mom-heart, you will begin responding once again to your children with compassion rather than passion.

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Victim's have a miserable time meeting their child's tearful fits, whiney complaints, and strong-willed nature with compassion because they're so focused on the negative way their children effect their own happiness.

I'm reminded of the a book I read when I was a newlywed: Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. In those pages he posed the question, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” It was a clever question, but didn’t resonate with me at the time, as I was still euphoric in the honeymoon phase of our love affair. However, within a few short years, we had moved across the country, had three strong-willed little boys, and were both overwhelmed by the challenges of our blessed life together. It was then, a variation of the words from the cover of that book came back to me: What if God designed motherhood to make me holy rather than to make me happy? What a thought!

What a thought. What a liberating thought!

If we go through our mothering days with the false expectation that it is our children's job to make us happy (whether by their compliance, their achievements, or their agreeable personalities...) we will be PASSIONATELY disappointed - both with them and with our lives. However, if we wake up each new day with the expectation that God is more concerned with the process of making us Holy rather than happy, then we are on our way towards compassionate parenting, rather than parenting with passion.

Our kids are going to have a hard time, some time, here in the next few hours (or minutes.)  Let's remember that we're not victims, we're moms. The more we say it and believe it, the more compassion we will have to gently walk them through their childhood today.

Amen? Amen.

Click here to start of the beginning of the series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom." Or sign up to receive the rest of this series directly to your inbox.

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If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if you find yourself yelling at your little ones, feeling like a victim, and weighed down by shame, you're not alone. Authors Wendy Speake and Amber Lia have written a book just for you. TRIGGERS: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responsesaddresses the things our children do, along with the internal pressures of motherhood, that trigger in us angry reactions rather than gentle Biblical responses. Order your copy of Triggers here.

Pray first - ask questions later

Welcome to part three of the series, "You Are Not a Victim, You're a Mom." Today we're confessing together that at some point, here in the span of these 24 hours, we're going to hit our knees - I'm simply suggesting that we learn to do it first.

Make sure to read this post all the way to the end because I'm offering a special challenge to help you grow into a woman whose mantra is simply:

pray first - ask questions later

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My posture these days has been running, standing, and demanding. My posture is muscular and active - throwing people and priorities out of the way and out of my day. Though I love my little people dearly, the school bell is set to ring. "Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!" There's very little slowing down and kneeling down and falling down prostrate on the floor in quiet surrender because... well... life.

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Beauty within and beauty flowing out into the lives of our little people. We throw make-up on our faces at stoplights, but we can't cake it on thick enough that it eeks its way down through our pores and into our souls. True beauty doesn't work that way. It's got to start deep within, and work it's way up and out. But we're living lives that are much too busy for such things.

Hurried, harried, and horrible: they go together. But hurried and holy rarely co-exist.

Holy and hallowed and hushed, now those are true companions. They meet together in the morning hours before the sun steals past the beauty of dawn. That's when we need to join Him.

We need to fellowship with the Holy One before the day spins out of control - slowing down, sitting down, and coming down off our cram-packed agendas to seek Him on the floor.

On the floor.

Because that's where every person is going to end up, eventually. Either on purpose, intentionally in the morning hours; or at night in a tearful puddle; or, and this is a frightening thought, they're going to find themselves on the ground like the discarded branch that's not bearing fruit - cut off and cast down.  (John 15:4-6)

We're going to end up on the ground, on our knees, on our bellies, forehead indented by dusty carpet strands or pressed against cool linoleum. Prostrate.

Eventually.

And the choice of how we get there is what we call freewill.

[Tweet "You're either going to choose to start the day praying for His help, or end it, asking for His forgiveness."]

But here's something else to consider when you're tempted to rush past the quiet morning moments and into demanding days: we aren't the only ones who suffer.

The precious people in our lives bear the stretch marks of our stretched out hectic days. Hollering isn't Holy. But what else can we expect if we're not abiding, remaining, living in Him? And so, we throw retroactive prayers up after unholy mornings that whirl past us in a haze. "Lord, forgive me. Lord, don't let me screw this family up. Lord, transform me!"

We forget that transformation isn't a retroactive wave of a magic wand - transformation takes place preemptively and prostrate - first place and foremost. Transformation into a thing of beauty starts with this sort of proactive surrender to the God who promises to make all things beautiful in his time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11). But it takes our time too, on our knees and on the floor and on the offense... daily before dawn.

Because life... life is full of fragile beauty, cased in the soft skin of relationships. Our love relationship with the vine, and our love relationship with our people. We need to prostrate ourselves, therefore, in the hushed and hallowed hallways of our predawn homes, or we will end up flat on the floor in tearful confession for lacking beauty come nighttime.

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We try everything else first, don't we? Staying calm in our own strength. Arm-wrestling our way to patience and self-control. We are well-intentioned women. But the truth is simply this: Good intentions won't do a thing without Holy Spirit power backing them up. We simply can't push ourselves through to transformation unless we hit the floor and hit our knees first.

Because we're going to end up there, one way or another.

To start at the beginning of this series, "You are not a victim, you're a mom," go here.

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If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if you find yourself yelling at your little ones, feeling like a victim, and weighed down by shame, you’re not alone. Authors Wendy Speake and Amber Lia have written a book just for you. TRIGGERS: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responses addresses the things our children do, along with the internal pressures of motherhood, that trigger in us angry reactions rather than gentle Biblical responses. Order your copy of Triggers here. 

My child's discontentment makes me discontent

Welcome to part two of our series,"You Are Not a Victim, You're a Mom." Today we're clawing our way to the gnarly root system of this victim mentality by talking about discontentment - ours not theirs.

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There's an epidemic of entitled discontentment slithering into homes around America today. Unfortunately, I believe, parents are so overwhelmed by the discontented cries of their children, they've grown deaf to their own complaining hearts.

Whether our kids are pushing for more things to buy, more time on their devices, or another book at bedtime, moms today feel pushed and pulled and... victimized.

We are desperate for them to be satisfied, so that they may know peace, and we can finally have some too.

"If they didn't throw fits, then I'd be happy. If they'd eat what I serve them, then I'd be happy. If they stopped asking for more at bedtime... If they stopped arguing with their brother over toys... If they stopped asking for whatever's next, always next... complaining so much... leaving a mess... being so loud... melting down over chores... over homework... over gold-fish...

[Tweet "If my kids weren't so discontented... I could be content!"]

Do you see what I'm getting at? We've become the victim. In a way they're now in control, and we've become the child, throwing discontented fits of our own.

Though I have a child who struggles without end for more and more, seemingly never satisfied, his thorn of discontent has become my own. I've allowed his lack of peace and gratitude to steal my peace and gratitude.  I harp on him incessantly, so discontent with his discontentment.  Yes, I've become the victim.

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We want to raise a generation of grateful kids, but this is where it starts, moms - with us. Often we get so focused on our child's lack of contentment, we lose sight of our own personal struggle to embrace the family, complete with the unique personalities, we've been given.

God has revealed to me this very thing, especially in the arena of my children's personal challenges. I find myself comparing my precious boys to my friends' compliant children who learn easily and sit quietly; children who don't have ADHD, ODD -children who don't struggle with discontentment.

In our new book, Triggers: Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses, Amber Lia and I examine many of the things our children do and say, or simply the facets of their personalities that wear us down and set us off.

While we didn't write a chapter on discontentment, it absolutely fits. It's a trigger!

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Though the book has already gone to print, I continue to learn more about the triggers here in my heart and home, and how the Lord wants to grow me into a gracious mom in the face of each unique set of circumstances. I'm learning anew that my boys' challenges challenge me. However, here's what I know above all else: we are not to be controlled by their childish behavior, but controlled instead by the Spirit of God at work in our mothering lives.

So what's the key to changing in this regard? We must focus on our own contentment rather than their lack. And as we model this personal self-control, and joy in all circumstances, there is a chance that they will join us in the transformation process.

And that's what we've wanted all along - their maturity. But God is ever focused on maturing us first. Always us first, if the apple is to ever resemble the tree.

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I know we get exhausted and stressed, but let's slow things down and consider this before we explode next time: the victim always tries to blame something or someone externally - the ones pushing their buttons - but anger comes up and out of the heart of a human - from deep within. Moms explode because of what's happening on their insides, not what's assailing them from the outside.

Though the discontented cries of our little people seem to fly at us all day long, it is our own hearts that prove most difficult to train. And so we turn our focus today to our own lack of gratitude for what we've been given by the hand of a kind and purposeful God!

I often tell my big kid, "Honey, contentment is being happy with what you already have." Over and over again, day after day, I speak these true words over him. Today, I'm preaching them back to myself. And to you.

Because we are not victims, we're moms! Blessed, blessed, over and abundantly blessed.

Here is a scripture to memorize and believe today, if you struggle with discontentment: "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." (Psalm 90:14, NIV)

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In the new book, Triggers: Exchanging Parent’s Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses, we've included an entire chapter on raising strong-willed children, and another on raising kids with diagnosable challenges such as ADHD and ODD, developmental delays and learning disabilities.

If you struggle with anger in your home from the sheer effort of it all, if the things that challenge your children challenge you, and if you find yourself yelling and overcome by shame, order your copy of Triggers today.

I’ll continue speaking to this issue of Mommy-Anger in the days ahead. Just click here to add your email and you’ll receive these articles directly in your inbox!